Monday, January 28, 2013
There's a lot of things I could choose to forgive myself for, but one that has been on my mind this week is that I wasn't with my mother when she died.
My mother's birthday would have been January 20th, so I've been thinking about her a lot for the past week. And the thing that continues to haunt me is that I wasn't with her when she died.
I woke up a little late that morning and took some time to make myself a healthy lunch to take over to her apartment. On the drive over there, I got a phone call from her aide, saying I should hurry, because she thought my mother was about to pass. (mom was in home hospice and we expected her to pass any day). There wasn't any way I could drive any faster, and I was only about 4 miles away when I got the call, so I just kept on going. She was dead when I got there.
Mom passed very quietly, and was basically unconscious at the end, and Annemarie, her most favorite aide was with her. But I wasn't there. She didn't have a family member with her at the very end. And that is what haunts me. If I hadn't taken the time to make that lunch-to-go, I would have been there when she died.
I have to forgive myself for this.... I was a very good daughter and my mother knew I loved her. I had cared for her for nearly 5 years at this point, and did the best I could in terms of her physical and emotional care. I wish it had been different and I could have been there, but it just didn't happen that way.
I was late because I was trying to take good care of myself by making a healthy lunch. Self-care is important, especially when we are taking care of others. So, I am not going to feel ashamed about it, or say "what if" anymore.
I was with my mother spiritually, as she is now with me.
I forgive myself.