Well, lets start by saying that this is my very first blog!
So from the beginning...as a child I was always a little chubby but never severely overweight. However, my father enjoyed calling me a fat cow because of that, even though he was the one that always would stock up our cupboards with bulk costco junk food of every variety. Eventually this created a huge complex for me and I just stopped eating altogether. I became anorexic when I was only 12 but nobody noticed that I was sick...all they saw was how pretty I had become since now I was thin. I pretty much lived on carrots and celery for a couple of years and maintained my 100 pound weight for that whole time.
At 14 I got pregnant with my son. The pregnancy seemed like the perfect excuse for me, to get away from my parents, and to finally be able to eat whatever I wanted without being criticized.
So during those 9 months I ate and I ate and I ate until I managed to gain 100 pounds! Unfortunately, this resulted in extreme stretching of my skin and stretch marks that were 6 inches long and 1 inch wide which also bled at times. After having the baby I immediately went back into anorexic mode and within 5 months I had lost all 100 pounds.
(this is me 5 months after having baby #1)
At 18 I became pregnant again with my daughter and once again I gained back the 100 pounds. However, this time, no matter how hard I tried I could not manage to lose the weight. I tried eating only salads or veggies and even living only on coffee and cigarettes (I know how horrible that sounds) but the weight would just not come off! So I went and saw a dietician who put me on this weird boiled weed salad diet and I joined the local gym, but to no avail. The dietician accused me of lying about following my weight loss plan, otherwise it would have been impossible for me to not lose weight on it! At that point I gave up and I said to myself, what's the point of starving myself when Im not losing anything anyway? So I started to eat...and within the next couple of years I put on another 100 pounds. Eventually my period stopped and I hadnt had one in 2 years when I decided to see a doctor. At first the doctor tried to tell me that I was pregnant. I explained that it was impossible since I hadnt had any relations with a man in a very long time! Only after doing a pregnancy test was she satisfied, and even then she told me that sometimes they are wrong and it was still a possibility! After that she told me that I must be going through a really early menopause....and I'm like, seriously?? Im only 23!! So, I left that day no more knowledgeable about my condition then when I came in. When I got back home I started researching it and I found out about something called PCOS, which makes weight gain too easy, weight loss extremely difficult, causes irregular or no periods, and extra hair growth among many other lovely things. So, I went back to the doctor and I said to her, do you think I may have this? And she looked at it and she said...hmmm its possible. She then sent me for some tests and when they came back she told me that it was confirmed that I had PCOS (although later on I learned that there actually isnt a specific test that can confirm it) she then went on to say that I was very lucky that I had my kids early because I was never going to be able to get pregnant again. I left her office devastated.
In 2008, after fertility treatment (chlomid) I became pregnant with my twins. I was ecstatic! Unfortunately, that pregnancy brought me to my highest weight ever, 318 pounds. I have managed to lose some of it a couple of times and have gone down to 248 before but unfortunately my depression (which I've been struggling with since I was 12) always manages to screw everything up for me. When I get depressed all I do is eat and sleep and within a few months I always gain it back.
In February of 2011 I had to leave my job because of my depression and currently I am on long term disability because of it. I rarely leave my house (only once a week to buy food) because I am ashamed of how my body looks and because I dont like people. They can be very mean. And I'm so tired of hearing what a pretty face I have...it just makes me feel more self conscious cuz I know the rest is really not pretty. I guess I've kinda become sociophobic, and I think I've lost my ability to communicate with people. Even commenting on posts here is a big step for me, as I usually like to just lurk and be unnoticed.
I am glad to have found a couple of teams on here though because the challenges really hold me accountable and I think before I eat anything unhealthy. My biggest problem lately has actually been eating enough calories to meet my daily goals because I am not on a new medication for my depression that has massively reduced my appetite and sometimes I have to force myself to eat. I know some might think that's not necessarily a bad thing, but I want to lose weight in a healthy way so that I will have a chance to keep it off.
I think that enough info for one night....its getting late again (another one of my problems!)
Thanks for reading