Monday, January 28, 2013
Yet another day of very bad/excessive eating. I finally realized that I'm swallowing a lot of things besides the food.
Rage, grief, guilt, shame. Even dreams. Arthur actually suggested to me once that I should probably only focus on small dreams since "the big ones hurt too much." I didn't know whether to argue or figure he was right.
Five weeks from today (March 3) I turn 60. My mother died just short of her 59th birthday. I wonder if I don't feel guilty for outliving her! So I'm doing some things she did that led to her death (barring the heavy smoking). I'm overeating, and eating extremely unhealthily. I have the "right" foods here and I know how to do them. But I feel like there's a wall there. I have even had fantasies about removing the fat with my chef's knife (no, I'm not going to. And yes, I've discussed it with Arthur.) But with all that self-contempt I still feel shackled.
I don't want to abandon the "big" dreams! I have no problem with the idea that I'll never be a "real" chef. But I need friends and family to cook regularly for. And I need the stamina to be able to do it. Tonight I made a quick version of scampi for dinner (shrimp sauteed in garlic and olive oil tossed with pasta). But even cooking that left me exhausted and with sore, stiff legs.
And is it crazy to want a man in my life again? To want to be held, romanced and yes, made love to? I love my FN guys, but I want someone who can really be mine. Am I asking too much?
Sometimes I feel like if I don't keep "swallowing" these things, it's like that scene in Alien when the thing eats its way out of its victim. It terrifies me how much emotion wants to pour out. It's like I'm riding a wild horse I can't control. And the only way not to get hurt is not to ride the horse in the first place. But that's probably helping to hold me back.
I could cry right now.