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Swallowing (long and rambling)

Monday, January 28, 2013

Yet another day of very bad/excessive eating. I finally realized that I'm swallowing a lot of things besides the food.

Rage, grief, guilt, shame. Even dreams. Arthur actually suggested to me once that I should probably only focus on small dreams since "the big ones hurt too much." I didn't know whether to argue or figure he was right.

Five weeks from today (March 3) I turn 60. My mother died just short of her 59th birthday. I wonder if I don't feel guilty for outliving her! So I'm doing some things she did that led to her death (barring the heavy smoking). I'm overeating, and eating extremely unhealthily. I have the "right" foods here and I know how to do them. But I feel like there's a wall there. I have even had fantasies about removing the fat with my chef's knife (no, I'm not going to. And yes, I've discussed it with Arthur.) But with all that self-contempt I still feel shackled.

I don't want to abandon the "big" dreams! I have no problem with the idea that I'll never be a "real" chef. But I need friends and family to cook regularly for. And I need the stamina to be able to do it. Tonight I made a quick version of scampi for dinner (shrimp sauteed in garlic and olive oil tossed with pasta). But even cooking that left me exhausted and with sore, stiff legs.

And is it crazy to want a man in my life again? To want to be held, romanced and yes, made love to? I love my FN guys, but I want someone who can really be mine. Am I asking too much?

Sometimes I feel like if I don't keep "swallowing" these things, it's like that scene in Alien when the thing eats its way out of its victim. It terrifies me how much emotion wants to pour out. It's like I'm riding a wild horse I can't control. And the only way not to get hurt is not to ride the horse in the first place. But that's probably helping to hold me back.

I could cry right now.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    1716 days ago
  • KATD13
    It's great to have dreams & goals! And if you're going to dream, Dream Big!

    Some dreams are easy to grasp, while others take more work. And while it might seem like they are impossible, you never know what you can accomplish, unless you try. There is nothing wrong with a slow & steady pace, to get to those dreams.
    So never give up ~ you can make all your dreams come true!
    1718 days ago
    emoticon I, for one, don't want to see you give up your "big" dreams. Many times that is what keeps us moving forward. While I have not outlived my mom, I do understand in part your feelings. It is quite a difficult time in your life. Sounds like you need a good cry. My shoulder is always there for you to lean on and to offer a good cry.
    1721 days ago
    emoticon Those are all normal feelings, particularly as you come to the anniversary of your mom's passing.

    As for dreams - why can't you keep your big ones? Break them down into smaller dreams that you can achieve on the way to the big one. Sometimes the big dreams morph into something new along the way.... :)
    1722 days ago
    Go ahead and cry.... that's one way of getting the stuff out instead of stuffing it in. You are absolutely right about your eating and your mom .... and all the other stuff in your life. I have now outlived my mother by almost 5 years. The year I was the same age she was when she died, I had three major panic attacks... had never had them before or since. Ended up having ovaries removed... Mom died of ovarian cancer!
    1723 days ago
    Nothing wrong with wanting romance but even if it doesn't happen, live as happily as you can, by loving everyone you can.
    As for your love of cooking, put that energy into being creative with a healthy style of cooking. Everyone can benefit from that...even the guys in your life.
    Where there is a will, there's a way. We can't all be Rockstar chefs, but we can certainly shine in our own little worlds emoticon
    1723 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/28/2013 6:53:40 PM
    There is nothing crazy about wanting to be loved. You deserve to have that in your life, and there is nothing wrong with that. I hope you are still talking to Arthur-I know having his input helps you immensely, and I'm hoping that is continuing.

    I hope you don't give up the big dreams, either. Having goals to work towards is a huge motivator to keep going forward, and making good choices. If nothing else, please know that all your sparkfriends are here for you, and we're on your side.


    1723 days ago
    It is human nature to want to love and feel loved. Nothing wrong with that. I wish I had some cooking skills. Nothing wrong with wanting to excel at something we enjoy. I'm glad you are using your blog to vent your feelings rather than keeping them bottled up inside. It is much healthier that way. I can't reach you from here, but consider yourself hugged.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1723 days ago
    Thank you for being so vulnerable and open.
    1723 days ago
    Thank you for being honest with us.

    You are not the only one "swallowing" feelings. Yesterday I found myself in front of the pantry alternating scoops of peanut butter with handfuls of chocolate chips straight out of the bag!
    What was going on? Well we were cleaning my mothers junk out of our attic and throwing some of it away. It felt terrible,like we were throwing Moms memory away. I tried to stay calm and make good logical choices but I ended up in the pantry.
    Tomorrow I will be back on SP. I also don't want to make the bad choices my mother made. Somehow when I feel terrible I'm going to have to let myself feel terrible in a nondestructive way. Hopefully you too.
    An Irish girl who can cook like a pro can certainly find a man!
    1723 days ago
  • LIS193
    1723 days ago
    Sorry to hear you are struggling. As difficult as it seems getting your feelings out will probably be a good thing in the end.
    1723 days ago
    1723 days ago
    )))))))))))) It is good that you blog these feelings here, for sure. And talk with Arthur about these feelings. Also good. Keep those up.

    You know we're here to listen and when you ask, give advice. In the meantime, know you're thought of.
    1723 days ago
    1723 days ago
    all the best
    1723 days ago
    Not at all crazy to want those things.

    Unsurprising that all that swallowed and buried emotion keeps rearing up its ugly head now and again. It might sound easier to not ride, but that doesn't work out the way we expect because getting off the horse the wrong way hurts far worse than staying on.

    What is usually needed is to take the emotions in small doses, to listen to them and see what it is they are trying to tell us. Each emotion has a message. We don't feel anger when we lose something or happiness when someone cheats us (unless we're having pretty serious emotional confusion.)

    When we feel anger, it means something seems unjust or unfair. Identifying what and acknowledging the unjustness is part of accepting our emotional response and lets us move on and grow beyond it. Each emotion has a story to tell and growth beyond any pain that story might bring us.
    1723 days ago
    I applaud you for getting your feelings out, you need to do that. It is not unrealistic to want those things in your life, but you need to stop holding onto things that are negative. Working through your feelings is a start.
    1723 days ago
    Well, it's theraputic to blog and get your feelings out. I do that on a private journal actually.
    I get the part about wanting to cook for people. Hubby was always like that and now it seems my oldest daughter wants to cook compete with him. It's nice when she invites us over. I am into cooking anything that fools people into thinking it's regular food. Seems once I tell people it's low calorie or sodiium they aren't as enthusiastic about it.
    Win your small battles.. I agree with Arthur (a son?)
    1723 days ago
  • CHERYLL1949
    Its never too late. I remarried at 60. I made up my mind that I was going to lose weight and find a man. I wanted a new life so bad. We really have to work at the things that we really want. It takes time. Hang in their! emoticon
    1724 days ago
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