Sunday, January 27, 2013
For over a year I pulled away from everyone. I used to sing in a choir and also pulled out from that a several months earlier. During that period I spent a lot of time focused inward learning to stop just moving forward and to start listening to myself. I didn't know why I needed it but chose to trust myself and go with it. I trusted that I didn't have to push myself to be in the world until I was ready. But I did check myself regularly to be sure I wasn't depressed instead of being sad. Sad is OK and a natural part of healing. Truly depressed needs reported and monitored for your own safety.
Taking the time for me gave me space to learn. It gave me courage to listen to myself more. One thing I practiced was not worrying so much about "am I doing this the right way" which was another way of saying "what do they think" and "what will they think". Those types of worries are a reoccurring thought for me and have been all my life. And the lives of many others I'm sure. Working on not letting my worries dictate my actions so much is giving me power over it. I amy have these worries the rest of my life. If so, they still don't have to dictate me actions. I choose how to move forward and what the direction will be.
Another thing I practiced was to be OK with me, regardless of what I was doing. If I didn't want to return a phone call, it's OK. If I didn't want to go out to lunch with others, it's OK. If I didn't want to spend time with fake friends, it's OK. If I don't want to spend time with real friends who care about it, it's OK. If I want to spend hours on end watching anime, reading manga, watching movies, or listening to music, it's OK. If I want to sing or don't want to sing, it's OK. If I focus on doing positive things that bring me joy that's what's important. If I focus on not doing things when I don't want to that's also what's important. I can learn to be honest with myself about what I like and don't like. I'd gotten too used to saying OK to things, even when I didn't want it. I'd gotten too used to half-hearted participation and asking for permission to do what I wanted. What type of a life is that? A very unhappy one I can tell you.
But enough with the inner eye moment.