Sunday, January 27, 2013
This morning feels like a really good place - coffee to my right, the keyboard in front of me, and acoustic Sunday music playing in the background. It's appropriate for The Vervepipe's "Freshmen" to be playing, it places me in a nostalgic mood, while I try to sort myself out.
So I was completing the motivation worksheet on SP yesterday and it came to the question WHY do you want to lose weight? I had been clicking the usual - to stop avoiding mirrors, for confidence - but this list addressed the people around you and I found myself selecting, "to be in better health for children." I'm beginning to realize that I'm entering a crossroad in my life where I want to 1.) earn my PhD and 2.) have children. My husband supports both (tremendously, truth be told, he's pushing for kids), but I don't. And it's absurd when I think about it - I'm concerned I'm not smart enough, not prepared enough, not good enough. This all seems to stem from my weight issues, though it doesn't seem to matter what weight I am, this feeling always lays deep inside me.
My self-worth is dominating my life, despite so many awesome things in it - being fat just helped me look the part. I don't want that part anymore. I want to feel confident and successful, not just appear that way to the people looking from the outside, I don't need things and food to validate me, but rather myself.
I will start by applying to school for the Fall semester. I've already got the school and degree in mind. I will be working on self-worth in addition to a healthy lifestyle from now on.