Sunday, January 27, 2013
I know I haven't blogged as much as I've promised myself I would beginning this new year. I as a writer have struggled with a loss of words in the midst of this healing process from emotional, physical and sexual abuse. It's been a dark valley with murky roads and unmapped territory, and my heart has been exposed more than it's ever been in my entire lifetime. It would take months to write of all that God has been purging me of, and truly tears would be the only way I could describe the last few weeks, but all behind closed doors just myself and God as I take one moment at a time to allow him to make me stronger.
I went to visit my dad last weekend for just an hour, it was calm. He didn't say anything hurtful as he did the previous time I saw him. He didn't call me "fat" or tell me that I'm not good enough, or not doing everything right because it's not his way of doing them. He was calm. It's like this occasionally where he doesn't have the FIGHTING spirit, and for a few short moments I get a glimpse of what a normal father-daughter relationship might be like, but it all fades in a swift moment when he begins to lash out at me!
I had 3 days of extreme migraine pain 2 of which I had to miss work. We are going on 10 hour workdays for the coming week, so my goal is to get an appointment with the dr as soon as things settle. I must keep myself as stress free as possible, so there is no visit to see my parents today after church.
I am the lead singer/guitar player for a bluegrass-southern gospel group, and we had to sing last night at a local gathering. To be honest I've been with this group of people for almost 12 years singing and traveling, and they don't know the whole story behind my closed doors. They see the smile on my face and my EXTREME love for God, while I never complain outwardly only scream on the inside of my secret place. I know someday God is going to change this where I can help others who have suffered like myself, but for now I'm still in the raw place of admitting, and accepting... this is a hard place to be, but I know someday I will look back and say, "it was all worth it!" ....