Sunday, January 27, 2013
"They're right, you know", the Lady In the Mirror said to me.
"What in the world do you mean?", I asked.
"Jan, Barb, Karen, and Dena are right. You've been pretty snarky with me lately.....more so than usual, anyway", she replied.
She did it again. The Lady In The Mirror caught me up short. I had to stop and think about that for awhile, so I apologized to the Lady In The Mirror, and went to ponder, yet again, why it is that I am so much better to others than I am to her. I truly hate "self-examination" because it makes me take time for myself and makes me face some things that I generally don't want to face. The older I get, the more I think I ought to have this all figured out...........and the more I find out that I don't.
We were a household of three when I grew up.........my Mom, my older sister (by almost 5 years), and me. My Dad was killed in a car accident when I was 2, and Mom never remarried. I was the "chunky" one.........never really overweight, but certainly heavier than my sister. She inherited my Dad's genes...........and I inherited his mother's...........!!! I remember thinking in high school that I was "overweight" when I hit 133 lbs at 5'7" tall, and went on a strict, very low calorie diet. I lost 13 lbs. and was very proud of the compliments I got. Went to nursing school shortly after.........................
...and the rollercoaster ride began.
Over the years, the Lady In The Mirror tried to tell me a lot of things about who I was, where I was going, and what I needed to be do to be honest with myself. I didn't listen well. I hid. I ran. I used food for solace. The best of those years allowed me the great fortune to have two children that I adore (well, most of the time........!) and a son-in-law and grandchild that complete the picture for now. The worst of those years ballooned my weight up to 240 lbs. and a me that I didn't even recognize.
11 years ago, I embarked on a journey of self-discovery, the first leg of which was to lose weight. I did so through Weight Watchers "new" point system..........and got to my goal weight rather quickly. The next legs of the journey found me making a lot of self-realizations and finally admitting some truths that were very difficult truths to admit. I can honestly say that, having the Lady In The Mirror chuckling at me for having been right all those years was NOT the easiest thing in the world...............but it made me realize just how wise she could be if I let her be.
Over the last 11 years, my weight has fluctuated terribly. I've never gone beyond 189 lbs again......................and slowly, with the help of SparkPeople and the Biggest Loser Challenge team that I've been with now for somewhere around 2-21/2 years, I've learned a lot of lessons about myself and my love/hate relationship with food that I didn't learn with Weight Watchers. This past holiday season, for the first time in forever, I didn't go over the 180 lb mark with my "holiday weight gain". I've learned to set my goals to more realistic ones, and I've learned that this is not a journey for me....................it's an adventure.
I'm stuck in the 170's right now, and am not happy about that. I'm not very active right now either, and I allow others closest to me to influence my eating and exercise "habits". I'm not happy about that either..............and when I'm not happy, rather than take action, I take it out on the Lady In The Mirror.
I've set a more realistic goal weight (not something I did with Weight Watchers) - aiming for something that I feel I can maintain and that my body will be happy with. I've tried to set more realistic goals to stay active...................*uppi
ng* my expectations rather than thinking I can't do some things I know I can do.
What will my life be like when I finally hit and maintain that magic "goal weight"? It will be much like it is now............I'll go to work, I'll spend time with my family, I'll take time for me. I'll ride my bike when it's nice, go camping, and try new things (like zip lining last fall!). I'll keep a level head about being "at" goal and remind myself that the adventure will continue as I struggle with the ups and downs of every day life.
I'll also give more credit to the Lady In The Mirror.............and will be doing so more along the way. She gets short-changed much more than she should.