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the voices in your head

Sunday, January 27, 2013

one of my Spark friends wrote a blog about getting her mind to catch up to the reality of how much weight she's lost (she's closing in on 200 lbs GONE!!!)

here's the deal - people who see you on a regular basis can't see the change. This includes the one that sees you in the mirror. And we always have those voices from the past in our heads - telling us things that likely were NEVER true, and definitely are not true any more.

my older sister teased me when we were kids about being flat chested. Don't know if you're old enough to remember those Flatsy dolls. The jingle was 'Flatsy, flatsy! She's flat and that's that." Sis would sing that to me all the time. I WAS ABOUT 10 YEARS OLD! I wasn't suppose to have boobs yet!

Karma did come around and get my sis for those years of teasing: she had reduction surgery after her 3rd pregnancy. Like most women, her breasts got bigger when she was pregnant. Unfortunately, they didn't really go back down as much as they had enlarged. I don't know how in the world she dealt with it as long as she did!

a Flatsy doll

I also had a mole right next to my nose. Mom had it removed before I started junior high school. Sis would tease me about that too.

so all these years later I still think maybe I'm this flat-chested child with a mole on my face. But even with the weight loss, I'm a 34D. I don't think that qualifies as "flat". I have a small scar where the mole was, but it's really not noticeable.

those hurtful things folks say just stick with you way too long. I guess that's why I tend to be quiet. I can remember things I said YEARS ago that I wish I'd never said. So I probably overthink before I speak. I'm a born smart ass. Folks who know me well get my slightly warped sense of humor. Others do not. So I keep quiet when I meet new people.

a story for those who would like to teach the little ones in your life about hurtful words:

once there was a little boy who had a very bad temper. He would say things in anger, scream and yell at his friends and family. His parents always made him apologize, and the child was sincere when he said, "I'm sorry" but the boy would repeat the same behaviour again and again.

One day his father decided to try to help his son find another way to deal with anger. He told the child, "Here is a hammer and a box of nails. Every time you get angry I want you to go to the wooden fence in the backyard and hammer a nail instead of yelling or arguing with your friends."

The boy did as his father said. He hammered LOTS of nails! After a few weeks the boy went to his dad and said proudly, "Dad! I didn't hammer a single nail today!"

The dad said, "Son, that's great! Now I want you to remove one nail from the fence for every day that you don't get angry. You still have to add one when you do get mad, though."

After a few months the son called his dad out to the backyard. "Look, Dad. All the nails are gone!"

His father told him, "That is wonderful son. I am so proud of you! But look at all the marks in the fence. Those are permanent. They will never go away. Hurtful words can do the same thing. Once you say them, they cannot be taken back."

Yes, each of us is responsible for what we say or do. But it's also important to point out that we have the power to choose how we respond to others. It is very difficult. And it means you have to say, "I am responsible!" which is way harder than blaming everybody else for your problems. I can let the things others say or do bother me, or I can focus on the only person I can control - ME.

Every relationship you have (good, bad or indifferent) has one thing in common: YOU. That's the only person you'll ever change. You can't change the past. So learn from it. Focus on what you CAN change - yourself and your future. Make your inner voice positive. Every day when you look in the mirror, focus on what you do like about yourself.

if you have trouble with this concept, read "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People". That book changed my life. I keep an audio copy in my car. When I feel myself sliding back to my old ways, I listen to that CD for a refresher.

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at some one else; you are the one who gets burned. ~~Buddha

When you forgive, you in no way change the past – but you sure do change the future. ~~Bernard Meltzer
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • 23KAIYA
    Incredible blog, thanks for posting. I will be looking into that book!
    1812 days ago
  • LISAN0415
    We can't get back 3 things:
    The stone once it's been thrown
    Time once it's passed
    and words once they have been spoken....

    I am learning very slowly, that I need to let go of what other say or have said about me, and just find my value and worth from within. We can do it!
    1813 days ago
    That is so true. I remind myself again and again that sitting around waiting for myself to change isn't going to accomplish much. I'm the ONLY one who can make changes for me.

    1814 days ago
    Excellent points. I think people often don't recognize that their "little jokes" and "just teasing" are actually bullying, and a more insidious form because you're expected to participate in your own bullying lest you be labelled a poor sport.

    Years ago I was taught an affirmation exercise. Write down 5 or 6 (or 10) things that you love about yourself, and first thing in the morning look yourself in the eye in the mirror and say them out loud. It sounds hokey, and feels a bit embarrassing the first couple of times you do it, but it works wonders! Especially if you choose affirmations that are opposite to the negative voices in our heads.

    So, rather than Flatsy, tell yourself something about how much you love your curves and how good you look in your clothes. It will change your perspective.
    1815 days ago
  • SOFT_VAL67
    i cant wait to reach a bmi where my insurance will pay for my breast reduction
    they told me 35 or under would almost always get approved
    but 35 to 39 would be more easily approved with circumstances such as back and neck pain, etc.
    which i have,
    i think my bmi is right now hovering around 42 so it wont be long, i hope....
    ive lost 65 pounds but right now im stalled and not knowing when im gonna see a pick up on the loss again....
    but i can see the changes, and mostly, too bad for me, they are negatives
    loose skin here, and loose skin there
    but, the positives are lower bp and better sleep
    i wish everyone out there the best of luck and hope everyone reaches their goals whatever they may be.
    1816 days ago
    Oh, words do hurt so much. I saw myself as fat when I was 170-180lbs and 5'3"-5'4" when I was in 8th grade. I got down to 160 in ninth grade. I was definitely chubby. However, looking at those old pictures, I barely had a stomach, I didn't have back fat and my arms weren't huge. I was overweight. I used to get told by my "friends" that "you'd be so pretty if you just lost weight." I used to get teased for being fat when I was in high school. Somewhere during 11th-12th grade, I got up to 200lbs. My doctor, a twig of a thing, would assosciate every illness with being fat, it felt like. I would go in for an ear infection, and she'd tell me I had to lose weight. I went in with strep throat. I needed to lose weight. I ate more basically to tell her "Eff you." I felt the way she came across was totally unprofessional, especially because, come on-I was still a child at 16-17.

    Annnyway, I am all about being responsible for our words and our actions, and for our half of any relationship. Really great post. Thank you.
    1816 days ago
    I definitely understand the friend who has lost almost 200 lbs. Years ago I lost over 100 lbs, and I had a horrible time seeing myself thinner than my younger sister who had always been the "littlest one" of all the women in the family. Of course I eventually gained back that weight and more, which is why I am here now. With time my sister has also gained weight...I think more from post menopause changes and the fact she has an injury now to her back that has now had surgery twice to fix, which has limited her activity levels a lot. She said she too has a hard time now seeing herself as large as she is, even though it is no where near my size. She is still about 35 lbs above her weight she was most of her life. And now we both struggle together to get rid of the extra lbs. She her 35 and me my 220 lbs. Who knows, maybe by the time we arrive at the Nursing Home together we will be the same weight!!!! LOL
    1816 days ago
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