Saturday, January 26, 2013
Everyone has hopes and dreams. After another anxiety attack that made me unable to cope with classes (stress about money and other stuff) I found out I couldn't graduate. I felt so worthless. My marks were always good. I just dropped classes because I couldn't cope with going to school (the stress with commuting - barely anyone talks about that).
With that I dropped everything else. Just feeling worthless made me not want to talk to people about anything. Or do anything. Because of my failures (what I consider failures - and don't deny that some people judge you on that - the thought of people judging me puts me on edge - people are cruel if they consider you a stranger sometimes). I digress, but my disappointment in myself made me punish myself. So my health slid.
Fast track to 2013. Everything is better. The financial strain that was hovering over my family since I was in elementary school has finally started to lift. My mother is finally starting to take care of her health (ironically), so the stress of me finding her deathly ill (which still haunts me) has been somewhat lifted.
I also came to a realization: I don't want my weight hinder my chances at a job/career that I really want. I am willing to start from the bottom to the top. I would be willing to trek fields, do physical labour, identify flora and fauna, bore trees, collect soil samples. My health hasn't been great lately (self-inflicted negligence). What is wrong with me! I spent so many years studying this so that I could work in this field.
I have a purpose to see through. I want to work in this field (albeit habitat rehabilitation is part of what I want to do, I'd rather be doing some sort of planning/research/writing heavy job, but who said I wouldn't want to pitch in?), but I'm ruining my chances, my confidence in getting the job done?
So it's time to get healthy for life. I'll hiccup, I'll doubt myself, I know, but I'm going to tape this post up somewhere to remember what I'm fighting for. I've had to sacrifice my years to look after my mom, follow orders from my parents to go to to school, then fight for my field of study with them. I want a career in this area. I know I was right to choose it.
I'm not sure I can document it on sparkpeople again - it takes up a lot of time, which I've been splitting across a couple of things.