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Mind Games

Saturday, January 26, 2013

I went with a friend to check out a Psy.D program she was looking into and a Masters in Family Therapy at a school I had not heard of, but that has a local satellite. I'm not sure what prompted me forward, but I suspect it may have something to do with three different people asking me in the past week, "What ARE you going to do with your Bachelor's degree?" The program is a good one, but it is a private school and terrifically expensive - about 2.5X as much as the state university I graduated from. This put me on a roller coaster of researching more programs, more options, realizing I have to find an income before/while I'm in school, or instead of grad school. That train just raced faster each time I hit a brick wall, or found a sense of 'impossible' at any given option.

Now, the PLUS of all this is that I didn't fall into an eating frenzy. I did set aside the hypnotherapy last night because I was just so tired for all the thinkinty thinking and I just fell into a deep sleep, in the wee hours of the morning.

I came to a couple of conclusions ...

I believed that all the researching and talking and looking and reading, and gathering advice, and taking notes was getting me somewhere. I also thought that I was done with 'resting' after my graduation.

I've been busy. Yup. With all of the above, and reading mountains of books (for pleasure and knowledge) interspersed with learning new yoga moves and new meditation techniques and new QiGong movements (and cleaning my house, and finally getting time to watch TV and visit friends I have not seen in ... ages... due to school). AND I thought all that was recovering me and getting me ready to POUNCE into my next big move, to take an enormous leap into the Next Thing. Ok, this fluffy 52 year old probably never actually pounces, more like ambles forward with purpose, but you get the gist.


I'm spinning because I really don't yet know what is right for me. Because .... all of the above ... all the flurry and action and DOing was "ought to's" ... fear of financial ruin no matter which way I turn, and ... habit. DARNIT. Even with my meditation, what I haven't done is really, truly, honestly, get quiet. My meditations have been active, or even when they have been quiet, I've had some "goal" in mind. "Give me the answer I'm looking for, the one I am expecting, and NOW, please. oh.... namaste" I've been afraid. I've been afraid to be still, to just go sit or walk or run somewhere quiet in nature, to go with with a blank journal and just meditate, consider, ponder, dream, doodle, to ask my inner wisdom, to ask my mundane self, to wait.. Wait .... to really LISTEN. I haven't considered any other options besides the one that have played on the tape track in my mind for two decades. Nor have I cracked open my creativity and played because doing that is also uncomfortable. I sense that some good fun and some art and some true quiet will help.

I ALSO just got my exercise motivation. The thing is, as I ponder, my electric and energetic body is bottling up all this frenetic energy and it has to be expelled. When I move, when I walk, even when I just do stretching yoga daily, I get calm, I get clear.
That's what I want.

And, I don't want to be afraid. If I didn't attach the 100 "but what if's" behind every idea, I would be far more fearless. If I didn't numb myself with what I numb myself with - television, books, conversation, friends, research, cooking ... and just spent a little bit more time being in the calm pool of my center, I think the fog will lift and I can at least allow myself the opportunity to TRY.

Before I investigate one more training program, one more money making scheme, one more graduate program - I am going to spend a little time with myself. Maybe even have a little fun- do a little art - do a little dancing - be a big kid.

My inner self knows what to do. I just have to stop talking over Her. A little more meditation, a little more trance, a lot more trust.

Oh and I did finally step on a scale.. the needle went down .. yes it did. For all the mind racing that I had, the food never really called me. I never dove into a bag of chips, or wedges of cheese. I was actually able to pause and think, even in the midst of feeling uncomfortable. And it was effortless. There really is something to this trance work - and I had a very very interesting lunch with a friend that was so full of serendipity about this hypnotherapy that I was left blinking. In short, she's been doing something similar and she is 100% different than when I saw her 6 months ago - she is calm, she is self-assured and she has overcome several phobias. Amazing.


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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I think you are on the right track. After going to school which has become a grueling ordeal these days a person is in need of some rest and some time to regroup. Everyone is in too big a hurry and I have found that haste really does make waste.
    1723 days ago

    I get it sister. When you and I met here on SP I was also a student in college. Then I made some mistakes and took on some part-time (HA!) work at the hospital trying to feel better about my guilt about how much my mistakes cost our family. It never did heal the emotional damage I did to myself or the physical for that matter. I thought, and worked and studied.
    You did something completely different and for different reasons but I am familiar with that goal driven pattern and the need to "contribute back" as if we aren't good enough to just breathe and be part of our friends and families lives. I think we are strong women who know how much we have to offer in terms of service and all of our gained knowledge to others. I think you are an especially generous spirit who also knows the importance of caring for the self.(TOTAL WISDOM!) It is a tricky spot between more more more and the reality of "what if I don't????". Maybe because that is uncharted territory. It's uncomfortable and having goals and meeting them brings a sense of "purpose" and satisfaction. As I get older I am able to poke holes in all the things I used to think I was passionate about and in some ways it brings peace but on other days it causes anxiety. Nothing really rings my bell anymore ya know? At least not enough to make the time and financial and personal sacrifices necessary to attain it. I envy people who are so driven even about their new garbage lid business like the folks on Shark Tank.LOL. I don't feel like I have less passion just a more harnessed type that is now calmly rooted in people and nature and taking the time for the subtle. IT. IS. NOT. NEARLY. EXCITING. It isn't always a peaceful place either and I don't know if we are meant to stay here forever or just a little while longer.Thinking too much about it makes me crazy too.
    I just hope you know that you don't owe the universe anything more than a healthy and happy YOU. That part of you that is an awesome student and worker is expressed in everything you do, not just school and work. It's how you are wired.
    Enjoy your rest, dance, laugh and celebrate this life. Sounds like a really bad wall plaque from Bed Bath and Beyond. lol!!

    Hope i didn't overstep my boundaries, I just want you to know you are awesome right here and now and if you never did another thing professionally or academically, that wouldn't change but if you do, I hope it only enhances your peace and self-love. emoticon
    1724 days ago
    I love this blog!!! Self discovery is so exciting. I hear you with the "what ifs". I've done that all of my life!! One of my regrets -- needing to be safe and comfy. I think you have made some amazing discoveries--LISTEN is one I have a hard time with. I, too, want an answer now--and in a neat & tidy package is even better--no gray areas, thank you!! I am excited for you. You are getting ready to fly, GF!!!!!! Exciting stuff you're dealing with!
    I am more intrigued than ever about the hypnotherapy/guided meditation. I need to take the leap and not worry about SAFE (will family think I've gone over the edge???) LOL
    Thanks for sharing!!!!!
    1724 days ago
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