I went with a friend to check out a Psy.D program she was looking into and a Masters in Family Therapy at a school I had not heard of, but that has a local satellite. I'm not sure what prompted me forward, but I suspect it may have something to do with three different people asking me in the past week, "What ARE you going to do with your Bachelor's degree?" The program is a good one, but it is a private school and terrifically expensive - about 2.5X as much as the state university I graduated from. This put me on a roller coaster of researching more programs, more options, realizing I have to find an income before/while I'm in school, or instead of grad school. That train just raced faster each time I hit a brick wall, or found a sense of 'impossible' at any given option.
Now, the PLUS of all this is that I didn't fall into an eating frenzy. I did set aside the hypnotherapy last night because I was just so tired for all the thinkinty thinking and I just fell into a deep sleep, in the wee hours of the morning.
I came to a couple of conclusions ...
I believed that all the researching and talking and looking and reading, and gathering advice, and taking notes was getting me somewhere. I also thought that I was done with 'resting' after my graduation.
I've been busy. Yup. With all of the above, and reading mountains of books (for pleasure and knowledge) interspersed with learning new yoga moves and new meditation techniques and new QiGong movements (and cleaning my house, and finally getting time to watch TV and visit friends I have not seen in ... ages... due to school). AND I thought all that was recovering me and getting me ready to POUNCE into my next big move, to take an enormous leap into the Next Thing. Ok, this fluffy 52 year old probably never actually pounces, more like ambles forward with purpose, but you get the gist.
I'm spinning because I really don't yet know what is right for me. Because .... all of the above ... all the flurry and action and DOing was "ought to's" ... fear of financial ruin no matter which way I turn, and ... habit. DARNIT. Even with my meditation, what I haven't done is really, truly, honestly, get quiet. My meditations have been active, or even when they have been quiet, I've had some "goal" in mind. "Give me the answer I'm looking for, the one I am expecting, and NOW, please. oh.... namaste" I've been afraid. I've been afraid to be still, to just go sit or walk or run somewhere quiet in nature, to go with with a blank journal and just meditate, consider, ponder, dream, doodle, to ask my inner wisdom, to ask my mundane self, to wait.. Wait .... to really LISTEN. I haven't considered any other options besides the one that have played on the tape track in my mind for two decades. Nor have I cracked open my creativity and played because doing that is also uncomfortable. I sense that some good fun and some art and some true quiet will help.
I ALSO just got my exercise motivation. The thing is, as I ponder, my electric and energetic body is bottling up all this frenetic energy and it has to be expelled. When I move, when I walk, even when I just do stretching yoga daily, I get calm, I get clear.
That's what I want.
And, I don't want to be afraid. If I didn't attach the 100 "but what if's" behind every idea, I would be far more fearless. If I didn't numb myself with what I numb myself with - television, books, conversation, friends, research, cooking ... and just spent a little bit more time being in the calm pool of my center, I think the fog will lift and I can at least allow myself the opportunity to TRY.
Before I investigate one more training program, one more money making scheme, one more graduate program - I am going to spend a little time with myself. Maybe even have a little fun- do a little art - do a little dancing - be a big kid.
My inner self knows what to do. I just have to stop talking over Her. A little more meditation, a little more trance, a lot more trust.
Oh and I did finally step on a scale.. the needle went down .. yes it did. For all the mind racing that I had, the food never really called me. I never dove into a bag of chips, or wedges of cheese. I was actually able to pause and think, even in the midst of feeling uncomfortable. And it was effortless. There really is something to this trance work - and I had a very very interesting lunch with a friend that was so full of serendipity about this hypnotherapy that I was left blinking. In short, she's been doing something similar and she is 100% different than when I saw her 6 months ago - she is calm, she is self-assured and she has overcome several phobias. Amazing.