Good Morning Sparkers! As I sit here, typing this blog - eating my breakfast - that consists of:
1 TBSP ground flaxseed
1/4 cup quick cook oats
2 slices hickory smoked bacon
1 cup coffee w/cream
total calories: 377
This is food I'm actually pretty proud of. Food I'm glad to say will help me, give me protein, and that I can feel good about. And will keep me full for at least 4 hours. Yesterday, I slipped up a bit when a rep stopped in to do some training on the new equipment we have in the office. With him, he brought us doughnuts, to which I ate the toppings off and thought "this can't be good" and threw it away..... baby steps.... baby steps... sometimes it is very clear that I do have an unhealthy addiction to food.... Other times I feel like a total champion resisting all my sugary and salty nemesis.
Anyhoozer - so yesterday - a CPA offered to do our taxes for free since this year we have no deductions - no children, no homeownership, nothing major. So, it's as simple as a 1040EZ. And since we owe the IRS from an audit and a mistake turbotax did but won't own up too, I thought it better to let a professional (who I can see and talk too) do the work for me... .a simple starbucks card later, and I am hopeful that everything will be smooth and easy so the IRS haunt will be over and our debt will be paid. I hate debt. I hate money in general and wish my world could function simply on trade - like "for five ears of corn, will you babysit?" and I'd totally do that. But, nonetheless, I live in the USA where money kinda is a necessity if you want a roof over your head and food in the fridge.
And... don't get me wrong, I adore my job. And I'm good at it. I love our patients and I love my boss.
In the meantime, I went through our files and records.... and in my MISC. file I found a letter I wrote to myself on December 31, 2009. It was refreshing, motivating, and just kinda awesomely weird. I had forgotten I'd even wrote a letter to myself, but I wrote exactly how much I weighed - at the time was 222.4 and how much I wanted to weigh - 163 - and now I currently weigh 160.... so It's kinda nuts that somehow I'd met this odd goal weight I had setup for myself.... without even realizing it. Also, I mentioned how much MORE debt we were in, that I needed to stay focus and pay off all the credit cards the best I could and remember that credit cards are false 'instant' gratification. I'd honestly forgotten how much debt we were in.... I'm kinda surprised we didn't have to file bankruptcy or anything all things considered.
I also talked about expressing my feelings and actually telling people how I really felt... because up until about age 25 - I'd never really just told people exactly what I was thinking - I was shy, bashful, and scared people wouldn't like me. In 2010, I had taken an acting class just to try to get used to being on stage and NOT having every pore on my face BLUSH until I wanted to puke or pass out.
Especially when throughout high school, I was always just the fat girl, never popular, and just got made fun of. I had gotten pretty good grades until all I wanted to do was graduate and I changed high schools mid junior year, finished senior year at another high school, took my diploma and moved out. I was seventeen when I rented a room from a huge house full of 5 other people. My parents were so busy making new families, getting married, and adopting, that my brother and sister just stayed with me most of the time. I was always jealous of my friends that were crazy outgoing, telling boys they thought they were cute, talking back to anyone who'd poke fun or laugh at us, and just had the gumption to make it through high school without tears. After the 'party' phase, my brother graduated and we got a place just us two. My sister was still staying with us most of the time - but I know our diet consisted of fast food, hamburger helper, and beer. But mostly beer. Especially since my brother and I were taking classes together at the community college. We would take turns going to class, so the other one could recover from the night before.
A few months later, at 19, I started dating the man that is now my husband - 9 Years later... here we are.
I see where I am now and with this reminder of where I have been - it has been such a journey... beyond the scale. It has been about finding myself. The person that I want to be. Finding this letter was such a blessing. I honestly had totally forgotten so much about how food was my coping mechanism, my salvation, my friend in times of stress, a hug I needed when I wasn't sure how the electricity was going to stay on, the water bill get paid, homework finished.... it took so long to realize that beyond all of these stressful things - life goes on. Food. My life does not revolve around FOOD.
And this is why I understand WHY I ran to those doughnuts yesterday. Add the fact that I was three weeks late, but I finally started my time of the month and my cravings have been through the roof! I was ravenous.... today I am much better though.
There are moments in life where I've thought that enough is enough. I just can't take it anymore. These are times I usually end up in the drive thru. Or have in the past.
2013 - it's about us. About me. About you. Remembering where we have been. Where we want to go. What that means to us.
I know in my last blog I wrote down my goals and what I want to achieve. Always write them. Date them. And look back on them. In four years, I might look back at this blog and be shocked to read it, forgetting again where I've been.
It might sound preachy but 2013 is a SELF REVOLUTION. NOT resolution. We are not just going to resolve something - we are going to revive ourselves. Express ourselves. BE the people, the change, and THAT person you know you've always wanted to be. Life goes on, and you gotta be on that train with LIFE - ready. confident. willing.
So.... as I sit here, drinking my coffee, thinking about my goals, and where I've been - I invite you to do the same. Where were you when you were at your heaviest? Have you ever hit rock bottom? What did that feel like? Did you ever eat the toppings off a doughnut and thought "well this can't be good?"
Cheers to 2013 and your own REVOLUTION beyond the scale.