Saturday, January 26, 2013
WARNING!! I'm in the mood to be negative and bash my BF. It's more to vent it all out then to get advice. I know the answers but just not ready to give up.
My bf and I haven't been doing so well on several levels. Today's concern is finances again. He didn't feel like walking up to work earlier in the week in the freezing cold temperatures and had blown all the extra cash he had after giving me the money for our budget so a cab was out of the question, so he called in sick to work. So he already has had 3 days off this week and he is supposed to work this weekend.
The last 2 nights he was complaining about his eye and saying it was staying to get sore and sting. I tend to be blunt and straightforward so both nights I told him to remove his contacts (he has those ones that you're supposed to be able to keep in for a certain period of time or something - I still think he should take them out once in a while anyways) and he always says he will before he goes to bed. The first night he passed out watching tv so they stayed in. Last night he remembered to take them out but woke up with issues with his one eye today. He thinks it's pink eye again. He had it back in July with the same issues.
So right now he's up at emerge getting it checked out because if it is - no work for him all weekend. He won't care so much cuz he has hockey teams coming in all day (he's a cook) and he hates it when it's that busy, but me I'm cranky about the whole thing cuz he only worked 2 days this week!!
Our money situation has taken a huge dive since I found out I'm pregnant. I've lost all but 1 daycare kid. I went from making $125 on some days and an average of $350 a week or more...to $150 a week and there's usually at least 2 days a month I end up getting a text in the morning saying she won't be in - which I don't mind at all but it hurts the pay check. It's not like I can go get another job or take on more kids. I only have 12 weeks til my due date!! I lose that daycare kid mid March as long as her mom is doing well. She's also pregnant but due 2 weeks before me. I'm kind of glad it's that way cuz I could've lost her as well and then I wouldn't be bringing any money in.
I've shown my bf the budget for the next couple months - he knows the trouble we're in. He's been giving me extra out of his pay to make ends meet but that doesn't help us set aside money for the 3 months I can't take in anyone for daycare. And who says I'll be able to get kids to watch quickly?? Last time it took a while to get all my spots filled. Even just to get the cash flow coming again might take a bit. It's going to be twice as hard because this time around I won't be accepting any child under 3. A house that already has a new born and twin 2 year olds are crazy enough thank you!! Also limits my 4 and 5 year olds since I can't go pick them up after school so it'd be an every other day sort of thing and then on the other days they'd have to have alternate care which doesn't normally work for most people at least around here.
There's tons of other stress going on between us too. The biggest contributor is that we can't talk to each other. He says he wants to know what is wrong but when I start to open up he yells at me and won't let me finish a sentence. We just fight about everything. He's either cursing at me or says oh great so I'm the bad guy!! How are we supposed to talk things out if he doesn't want to hear anything?? The answer is...it's not a solvable problem. Things need to reach a point of resolution which at this point I'm almost certain we won't be able to get there. I know what I should do...but I'm not financially stable even when we're together and certainly can't do this without his finances (which he's quick to remind me of everytime we fight) and I'm not even close to being emotionally ready to do this alone right now. He may not be a big help but at least when I force him to contribute around the home, I get a bit of a break. If there was no baby coming into the picture - this would've been dealt with already, no question in mind. Not saying I'm staying with him because of the baby cuz that's not quite the way I mean it. What I mean is that it's bad enough having to have the kids see us fight all the time but it will be even worse if I can't provide for them and I lose them.
I've already determined that if things don't shape up by the time I'm ready to have daycare started back up...it's time to get things dealt with. By June I'll be able to balance our budget with my bf's normal contribution without having to take any kids in. From there I will go and set up an appt for Ontario Works (aka Welfare) to make sure I have my butt covered while I start up again. I have it figured out that if I can get 1 FULL TIME or 2 PART TIME kids - I'll be set...without him. It's just a matter of getting to June
There are so many other factors going on that have me pushed to my limits but as long as we can't talk to each other it doesn't make a difference in the world what they are.