On the way home from MI, I tried to talk to my other half... M about our eating/exercising habits. You see the hotel we stay in on our trip has a mirror on the back of the bathroom door. Which just so happens to reflect your image as you are sitting on the toilet.
In every room.
Someone somewhere is laughing I am sure.
At any rate, we arrive at the hotel around 4:00p, after being up since 5:30a, and having a few adult beverages since about 6:30a (Party Bus). I run into the bathroom, sit to do my thing and look up. Then I wish I hadn't. Through mildly intoxicated eyes, I see just how thick my thighs are. I see that I have no waist whatsoever. I feel disgusting.
Oh this is right before I have to put a swimsuit on and go downstairs to join the rest of our crew in the pool/hot tub/sauna. Niiiiiice.
When am I going to do something about this. How long am I going to keep letting this go? I don't like what I see. I don't like how I feel. I am the only one with the power to stop it. I go about the rest of the weekend with that image burned in my head. Heck... it's still there.
Weekend was fun by the way. Loads of fun. Regardless of feeling like I look like a beached whale. I tried to pretend like I couldn't hear my thighs slapping against each other when we ran outside in -40 below to make snow angels after climbing out of the pool.
I was grateful one of our friends stayed outside with me and helped me up, and passed off laughing too hard to get up, instead of being too fat to get up.
But I stepped outside of my comfort zone and ran out there with them. So that's a first.
So anyway on the way home I try to talk to M about working together to lose some weight. I ask him about two things he thinks we should change around the house to help both of us. I suggest one be a diet change, and one be an exercise commitment. He starts off his response with, "You and the girls are such picky eaters, it is impossible to make any diet changes."
I didn't ask him to critique the fact that we don't like to eat everything he does. He eats such spicy food that I'm constantly surprised that his taste buds work at all. I can't eat spicy food even if I wanted to, due to my auto immune disorder. And the girls just don't like it. He knows this. It's nothing new. It's been a part of his life since he began dating me in 2008.
I was angry to say the least. I nearly wanted to tell him to pull the car over (2.5 hours from home) and begin walking. Why you may ask? Why would you think of something so impossible? And in the freezing cold to boot?
Because I was reaching to him for help, and he just slapped my hand away. He told me in that one sentence that he doesn't believe in me. I don't believe in me either. So what's the point. Here I was all motivated with the mental image of the full body mirror in the bathroom, and my reflection in it... and he ruined it all in one small sentence.
Times like this, I go into full on destruction mode. I quit drinking water, I quit trying to track and eat healthy. He doesn't believe in me. I don't believe in me. Why try?
He starts telling me about how he can't wait to join the gym, and he is excited to start working out again. I'm happy he is excited, but mildly bitter that he ruined my excitement. Then the negative thinking sets in. He will have loads of time to work out. Due to my work schedule and being a dance mom, I won't. He can squeeze it in between getting off work, and picking our dear V up from day therapy. I will have to get up at 5:00 every morning, then figure how to get back to the house in time to pick our eldest DQ up from him before he leaves at 7:15, so I can take her with me to work (then on to school). It seems like everything is stacked against my losing weight.
So I told M last night that I'm going to make it a point to gain 50 lbs this year. He looks at me like I have a 2nd head, and says, "why?" My response? "Because I can. I know I can gain weight. I'm tired of feeling like a failure, trying to lose it and never succeeding." He shakes his head and tells me I am being silly. I tell him hey, when I set out to lose weight I gain it. Maybe if I set out to gain it... I will lose it? He just chuckles at my little joke then walks away.
So I am here. I have all this desire, and no drive. My attempt to talk to M and work out a plan so we can both go to the gym and start getting into shape wasn't successful. He has his own plans all made up, and it seems I have to figure out how to set mine into the mix. I will have to give up time with the kids, and time doing my crafts to make weight loss a reality. At least until it is warmer out, then maybe I can involve my kids in outdoor exercise, and do both at once.
I know one thing for sure, I need to come up with a plan. Next year, when I am outside in 12-18 inches of snow making snow angels in my bathing suit... I'm not going to have a hard time getting up off the ground because I am too fat. And I will go outside with them and make snow angels if they ask again. I will live, laugh, and love. I won't let my jiggly thighs get in the way of being happy. Not when there is so much out there that I want to do, see, and feel. Now I want to lose weight just to spite M..... But he knows me well enough... maybe that was his plan all along.
P.S. Please overlook my very dry sense of humor. M is fantastic to me, and to my daughters whom he treats like his own daughters. I don't mean to paint him in a bad light in this blog. I'm sure that once we both have had time to think it over, we can sit down and come up with a plan. I just have to cool off after the picky eater comment. And resist the urge to dip his toothbrush in some Tabasco sauce...