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    DEZZIEJAMES   23,341
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I'm here. I'm just not.... here.


Saturday, January 26, 2013

On the way home from MI, I tried to talk to my other half... M about our eating/exercising habits. You see the hotel we stay in on our trip has a mirror on the back of the bathroom door. Which just so happens to reflect your image as you are sitting on the toilet.

In every room.

Someone somewhere is laughing I am sure.

At any rate, we arrive at the hotel around 4:00p, after being up since 5:30a, and having a few adult beverages since about 6:30a (Party Bus). I run into the bathroom, sit to do my thing and look up. Then I wish I hadn't. Through mildly intoxicated eyes, I see just how thick my thighs are. I see that I have no waist whatsoever. I feel disgusting.

Oh this is right before I have to put a swimsuit on and go downstairs to join the rest of our crew in the pool/hot tub/sauna. Niiiiiice.

When am I going to do something about this. How long am I going to keep letting this go? I don't like what I see. I don't like how I feel. I am the only one with the power to stop it. I go about the rest of the weekend with that image burned in my head. Heck... it's still there.

Weekend was fun by the way. Loads of fun. Regardless of feeling like I look like a beached whale. I tried to pretend like I couldn't hear my thighs slapping against each other when we ran outside in -40 below to make snow angels after climbing out of the pool.

I was grateful one of our friends stayed outside with me and helped me up, and passed off laughing too hard to get up, instead of being too fat to get up.
But I stepped outside of my comfort zone and ran out there with them. So that's a first.

So anyway on the way home I try to talk to M about working together to lose some weight. I ask him about two things he thinks we should change around the house to help both of us. I suggest one be a diet change, and one be an exercise commitment. He starts off his response with, "You and the girls are such picky eaters, it is impossible to make any diet changes."
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I didn't ask him to critique the fact that we don't like to eat everything he does. He eats such spicy food that I'm constantly surprised that his taste buds work at all. I can't eat spicy food even if I wanted to, due to my auto immune disorder. And the girls just don't like it. He knows this. It's nothing new. It's been a part of his life since he began dating me in 2008.
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I was angry to say the least. I nearly wanted to tell him to pull the car over (2.5 hours from home) and begin walking. Why you may ask? Why would you think of something so impossible? And in the freezing cold to boot?

Because I was reaching to him for help, and he just slapped my hand away. He told me in that one sentence that he doesn't believe in me. I don't believe in me either. So what's the point. Here I was all motivated with the mental image of the full body mirror in the bathroom, and my reflection in it... and he ruined it all in one small sentence.

Times like this, I go into full on destruction mode. I quit drinking water, I quit trying to track and eat healthy. He doesn't believe in me. I don't believe in me. Why try?

He starts telling me about how he can't wait to join the gym, and he is excited to start working out again. I'm happy he is excited, but mildly bitter that he ruined my excitement. Then the negative thinking sets in. He will have loads of time to work out. Due to my work schedule and being a dance mom, I won't. He can squeeze it in between getting off work, and picking our dear V up from day therapy. I will have to get up at 5:00 every morning, then figure how to get back to the house in time to pick our eldest DQ up from him before he leaves at 7:15, so I can take her with me to work (then on to school). It seems like everything is stacked against my losing weight.

So I told M last night that I'm going to make it a point to gain 50 lbs this year. He looks at me like I have a 2nd head, and says, "why?" My response? "Because I can. I know I can gain weight. I'm tired of feeling like a failure, trying to lose it and never succeeding." He shakes his head and tells me I am being silly. I tell him hey, when I set out to lose weight I gain it. Maybe if I set out to gain it... I will lose it? He just chuckles at my little joke then walks away.

So I am here. I have all this desire, and no drive. My attempt to talk to M and work out a plan so we can both go to the gym and start getting into shape wasn't successful. He has his own plans all made up, and it seems I have to figure out how to set mine into the mix. I will have to give up time with the kids, and time doing my crafts to make weight loss a reality. At least until it is warmer out, then maybe I can involve my kids in outdoor exercise, and do both at once.

I know one thing for sure, I need to come up with a plan. Next year, when I am outside in 12-18 inches of snow making snow angels in my bathing suit... I'm not going to have a hard time getting up off the ground because I am too fat. And I will go outside with them and make snow angels if they ask again. I will live, laugh, and love. I won't let my jiggly thighs get in the way of being happy. Not when there is so much out there that I want to do, see, and feel. Now I want to lose weight just to spite M..... But he knows me well enough... maybe that was his plan all along.

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P.S. Please overlook my very dry sense of humor. M is fantastic to me, and to my daughters whom he treats like his own daughters. I don't mean to paint him in a bad light in this blog. I'm sure that once we both have had time to think it over, we can sit down and come up with a plan. I just have to cool off after the picky eater comment. And resist the urge to dip his toothbrush in some Tabasco sauce...
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
FANGFACEKITTY 3/8/2013 2:45PM

    Unfortunately most men are about as subtle as bricks and understand subtlety even less than that. I agree with the others, maybe be extremely specific with his..."I want to do 'X', will you do it with me because I need your help?" Give him yes/no choices instead of open-ended what do you think/feel questions.

Of course you could do all that and still get no where which is why you have all of us here!

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DOGSTARDADDY 1/28/2013 12:25PM

    PS. Not all men are dense. Just the dense ones are.

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DOGSTARDADDY 1/28/2013 12:24PM

    Keep the faith darlin'. You have already done so many things that would crush a normal human. You are one of the strongest people I know.
You have lots of people here who are on board with you.

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CRABADA 1/28/2013 12:55AM

    Since it sounds like M. has more unscheduled time than you, is there something he could take off your to do list that would give you the time you need to fit exercise into your life?

And I agree with many of the other comments about spelling things out and being more specific about exactly what you need from M. Rather than asking him for suggestions, decide on a couple of changes, tell him how important they are to you, and ask him to do them with you.

Glad you had a fun weekend!

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C.

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MOXIE26 1/26/2013 5:36PM

    First, I understand just how dense men can be. Mine would have had the same response and then would have brought home fried chicken to eat. Second, quit looking at the whole picture. Just focus on losing one pound or maybe a half pound. Then you can do it again next week. And then the next. I just focus on what I can eat today. Tomorrow I can have whatever I want when I want. But today I have to be careful and make smart choices. On Friday night, I can have pizza! What I find is that yes, I eat some unhealthy foods but my portions are much less and I usually stay within my calorie range.

Just curious, were you making snow angels in your swimsuit? Brrrrr!

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RYDERB 1/26/2013 5:10PM

    I"m sure FCARMICH means well, but obviously we know that's not the answer. emoticon
I wish M understood exactly how important this is to you. He loves you so much he'd try to give you the moon if he could,. I think you're going to have to find a balance between spelling out to M exactly what you need from him, and willingness to just go it alone if he can't give you the help you need. Even if you have to go it alone in the real world, you'll never be alone because we're all here with you. We all understand the frustration of being in the wrong body, and how it can hold us back from living the life we want. Who knows once M sees you making the changes he'll want to change with you.

I applaud you for deciding that it's time for a new plan. I know you'll discover something that works for you. We all want this NOW, but it's important to look at your life realistically. You have a very busy schedule. But once you look at your list of all the things you have to do for the day for your work and everyone you love in your life, you need to find places and blocks of time where you can fit yourself on your list. I like Amanda's add in suggestion. Can you add in one veggie and one fruit a day. Can you add in a glass of water? Can you add in 10 squats while you're watching the girls practice their dance? I know individually they don't seem like big enough things to help you get this done, but when you put them together, they all add up to a happier healthier you.

You are one of the strongest women I know. If I were in a battle for my life, I'd want you by my side. Oh wait I have been, and you have been by my side. Picking me up when I've been discouraged. Offering to be available to text when I was alone. You just have to learn to be your own best friend and treat yourself the way you treat everyone else that you love. If you do that, NOTHING will be able to stop you from reaching your goal.
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Comment edited on: 1/26/2013 5:14:34 PM

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JCARDINAL 1/26/2013 11:49AM

    I agree with ADARKARA Men are dense. My husband does not get get it unless I spell it out and use flash cards. You'll figure this out and next year you will be making beautiful snow angels!

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POOKASLUAGH 1/26/2013 10:58AM

    Honestly, I *did* have to give up some of the things I loved to devote myself fulltime to this weight loss thing. It's the only way it worked for me. I was - and am - a super picky eater. In the beginning of this journey over two years ago, I made the goal to eat one fruit and one veggie 6 days per week, and that was next to impossible. It took six months until I could add a third serving, and another six months before my taste buds started to change. Now I get in 5 servings almost every day, something that I couldn't even IMAGINE two years ago. But I did have to force myself to do something that felt impossible, and I had to turn this into a job. We don't just not go to work because we're tired, unmotivated, etc. We go anyway - we have to. Well, I HAD to do something about my body, end of discussion. I used to read hundreds of books every year. I used to write a lot more. I used to blog every day for an audience of hundreds if not thousands of readers. I gave most of that up to devote myself fulltime to this. I can always get back to that stuff later - at a healthy weight. I will get back into school, I will get back to my writing, I will get back to my blogging and reading. For now, I need to exercise, plan my meals, eat well, and when I have free time, spend it with the family. If I couldn't commit, there was no point, you know?

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ADARKARA 1/26/2013 9:56AM

    emoticon Look...I have a strong belief that men just don't get it sometimes. You need to be flat out blunt with them if you really want them to get you. If you're asking for help, say "I'm asking for your help because I need it." Never be subtle or infer anything. Flat out ask. That's the only way my husband understands a word I say., lol.

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FCARMICH 1/26/2013 9:33AM

  I think its time to get rid of M and do good for yourself!!!!

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