ramble on where my head is right now.
Friday, January 25, 2013
Just a little assessment of where my head and body are at -
I'm feeling better today mentally and emotionally than the last couple days. I really dont know what was going on with me. It's like I've been pmsing even though its nowhere near time for that. Yesterday I just felt terrible - like fat and disgusting all day. I tried to do something with my hair that totally bombed and then it looked like I hadnt showered in a week. I hated the clothes I was wearing. Every time I looked down, it felt like i had these enormous stomach rolls. Plus I was super tired. I'm still tired actually. Even though I slept well last night and went to bed early. I have no idea where the fatigue is coming from.
I'm glad I managed to make it to zumba last night. I wanted to go because I wanted to try a different teacher and see if i liked her any better- still undecided about that. And a girl i work with was gonna go so I was happy about actually knowing someone there. But all day I was arguing with myself about it. I really didnt want to. And then right as I was walking out the door, I found a notice saying they disconnected our water. My husband forgot to pay the bill. AWESOME!! Normally, anything like that sends me right over the edge and I want to curl up in the fetal position and check out. But I just handed it to him and left. Just put it out of my mind. Then on the way home, i was like... oh yeah and I was really mad.
I cant really blame him though. He has so much on his plate. His every thought is about how he is going to provide for his family. He doesn't have a selfish bone in his body and I'm incredibly lucky to have someone like him. And he deals with all the money related stuff because it gives me terrible anxiety. We're always broke and I just cant handle thinking about it. So I don't. And he does his best. I hate that we are well into adulthood and still have these kinds of problems but what can i do about it? We try our best. It's not like we are gambling or drinking the money away. We eat out a little too often but its hard to avoid sometimes with everything we have going on.
So anyway, I'm happy that I didn't self destruct but it definitely sent me into a whole "whoa is me" attitude for the rest of the night, more than I was already.
And today after a bit more sleep, I do feel a little more positive. I'm still so frustrated with not losing like I think I should. I scroll through my friend feed on here and see all these people posting losses and it's so frustrating to not be making any progress!! And i keep second guessing myself. Like, well I must not be eating well enough. I must not be pushing myself hard enough. And then that makes me angry. Because everyday is a huge mental battle for me to go workout. I'm really tired, I've worked all day. There's so much that I need to do at home. I need to spend time with my kids. But almost everyday, I ignore all that, and I do it anyway. And it burns me out a little. I feel like I'm running a marathon and wonder when I'm gonna get to take a break. But when I take a break, its hard to get back to work and then I dont lose weight for months and months. But the commitment level that I need to have (and apparently, still feel like I'm falling short of) is making me a little crazy. I sort of resent it. But I'm trying not to dwell on it. One day at a time, get it done and worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.
and the same is kind of going for healthy eating. I'm trying to keep my eating in check but I still feel hungry quite a bit. And I'm really fighting the cravings big time. I feel like any minute, my will power is going to give out and I'm going to make some really bad choices. So I've been kind of trying to balance it with a healthy smoothie. Still getting something sweet but it has a lot of nutrients. trying to kill the hunger and the craving with a better option. But thats a lot of calories. So then I feel guilty because calories are calories and I'm still probably eating too many of them. I dont know how to find that balance. I really am trying to make the best choices I can in the circumstances. Trying to not to be so strict that I flip out but still eating good stuff as much as possible. But I still feel like its not enough.
And why am i so tired? All I want to do is sit on the couch and not move. But even if i do that, like i basically did on tuesday, its still not enough! I feel the same the next day. I really really wish I could afford to go see a naturalistic doctor. I have no use or patience with traditional doctors that think pills can fix everything. And of course my insurance doesnt cover homeopathic medicine but I would really love to see one and get some advice cuz I feel like I'm doing everything I can think of and I really want to know, is this all mental? and i just need to suck it up and get on with life? or is there an issue that I could fix or things i could tweak and feel better? The amount of information when you are trying to figure it out yourself is overwhelming and I end up confused and frustrated.
I'm just trying to ignore all that noise as much as i can and keep doing what I'm doing even though I'm not seeing any results right now. I dont know how long I'll be able to do that without completely losing it but that's what I'm trying to do.
I hate all the guess work. Something that is bothering me right now is I dont feel like I'm burning that many calories during my workout but also I dont know if thats all in my head. I wish I could get a fitbit or bodymedia thingy but obviously... i cant even pay my water bill so I doubt its gonna happen. But this week, I went to spin and zumba. I sweated in both. I definitely felt tired and like I was working but it didnt feel like the heart-thumping, fighting to control my breathing that I get from running. I wasnt really having trouble keeping up other than not always getting the moves. Both classes, i felt like I could have gone and run afterward. Maybe not at my top speed. But I didnt feel completely spent. I still feel tired... like i could definitely just go sit on the couch instead. But i feel like, if i pushed myself, I could give more. Does that make sense? And during the classes, I was trying to push myself. What does that mean?? They say spinning and zumba burn like hundreds of calories but i didnt feel like I did. I wish I could know for sure because maybe its all in my head. I dont know!
Anyway, bell rang so thats it.