I had a little bit of a panic attack last night. Maybe it was because I found my 2002 Body for Life binder yesterday, and remembering what hard work it was. We didn't eat enough calories on that, I'm fairly certain. It was an all consuming obsession, and then one day I fell off the wagon. I went overboard on a dinner out, and the next day I had gained three pounds and I was done. (Like here, they recommended weighing no more than once a week, but I think my fall was in my obsessiveness, of which weighing was one symptom). Each day we apparently filled out a spreadsheet for each set or interval of a workout and each meal. I guess that's probably why I don't follow plans as much here. I track and analyze, but don't plan in minute detail.

As I was brushing my teeth last night, I found I was already thinking about breakfast and I thought "Oh no, I'm obsessing! Can I keep living like this?" I guess it was post traumatic stress. I've known the potential for this existed, it's why I was so worried about whether I'd fall out of maintenance. So it's finally happened. I got really freaked out.

I didn't have a lot of time, since I was headed to bed. I had to calm myself down and go to sleep, so I thought about the Bible verse that "Perfect Love casteth out fear" and I practiced the relaxation breathing that had been the lesson on SparkCoach just that day , and I thought about the 11th step and whether my weight management was God's will and praying to know that and if so, for power to carry it out.

I woke halfway during the night, just enough to remember, as this blog is titled, "God hath not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind". Which it turns out is 2 Timothy 1:7. And I was so glad to feel that affirmation that this is what God wants for me. I'm not being vain or obsessed. I just need to take it one day at a time.

I'm so glad we have the custom tracking tools that are available now, that we don't just have to guess on what to eat or how much to work out. Something I've wondered about mentioning Is how I get so many fitness minutes from fitbit. I'm hesitant to call it misleading, but the fact is I work out about 30 minutes a day. But fitbit sometimes gives me a lot more. They have 4 grades of activity: sedentary, somewhat active, fairly active, and very. I don't get very active minutes without really trying, but the fairly active can come from shopping or carrying laundry (can but not always) and those automatically count as fitness in the spark tracker. So I don't really average 90 minutes in a day. I do 45 on strength days and 30 most other days. There's a way to make it more accurate, but it would be kind of a hassle. Just, you know, in case anyone is considering an intervention about my fitness minutes.