Friday, January 25, 2013
I have always had an easy time forgiving other people who have hurt me. I may feel pain for a short time, but I let it go. And by the next time I see them, I treat them as though nothing ever happened. I guess I don't like to hold on to those negative feelings towards others.
However, when it comes to myself, I hold on to mistakes for a long time. I feel the guilt, and the negative thinking tells me how awful I am. I obsess over the issue. And so when I saw the challenge of forgiving ourselves for something from our past, I started thinking about what I needed to forgive myself for, and it was interesting the thoughts that came to my mind.
When I was a Preteen, or maybe my early teens, I was going through those fun body changes, and so parts of me were becoming a bit chubby in places, but may have eventually evened themselves out. I was shy and didn't really hang out much after school with friends. I mostly came home to homework and T.V. My brothers and sisters were all out of the house by then, so I felt a lot like an only child. But since I was the youngest, I became daddy's little girl, and so I could convince him to do just about anything. He loved to buy me candy bars and slurpees and it wasn't hard to convince him to order pizza, or fast food. And so food became my friend. I looked forward to us ordering pizza, or going to McDonalds. But as I was starting to develop that habit I remember my mom telling me that if I kept eating that way, I would gain a lot of weight. And that one day I would regret gaining weight, like when I started dating, or was an adult. And I said to her (I don't remember the exact words) something like "I don't care if I'm fat. I would rather be fat, than have to give up the foods that I like". Of course I was hitting those teenage years, and so I wasn't exactly wise. But the sad thing is, I feel like that was a defining moment for me. Because I could have chosen to change my eating, especially since we had a garden and healthy foods were around me. But I didn't. I kept on my course of eating huge meals, a lot of fast food, and not a lot of freggies.
Now I bring up this moment, because although I haven't thought about it for a long time, I realized that subconsciously that statement I made that day, has continued on. Nearly every time I am faced with eating challenges, I find myself using a version of those words. I find myself saying things like...."It isn't fair that eveyone else can eat it, so I will eat it too." or "It isn't worth the sacrifice, it is just easier to stay fat." It is sad, but subconsciously I think I have let those words define my life.
And so it is time to let go of the past. It is time to stop letting my past define me any more. I don't want to dwell on my regrets and bad choices when it comes to my health anymore. And so today I say. I forgive myself. I forgive myself for ever thinking that way. I forgive myself for the statement I made. I forgive myself for the choices I made because of that thinking. I'm not going to hate myself anymore. And I'm not going to let that statement define me any more. Today I change that statement from "I'd rather be fat, than give up my favorite foods." to "I'D RATHER BE HEALTHY THAN LET FOOD CONTROL MY LIFE" I am becoming a new me, and I'm breaking the chains of my past!