Friday, January 25, 2013
So I have been MIA for a few months. Towards the end of September, my husband and I made the decision that he would leave his job with a Fracturing company so that he could take a job in which he would be home every night(or day as it is now). It was a significant pay cut, not to mention the adjustment for all of us being together all the time. I was used to doing things on my own.
Anyway, we also made the decision to move back in with my parents for a year so we could work on our credit and save to buy our own home.
The last few months of the year, I was a ball of stress. At the end of September, I had lost 17lbs. Having started off at 270 after I came back from vacation in July. By September, I was still in the 250s and I couldn't seem to break through.
Then, as life often does, everything went to Hades in a hand basket. I didn't even want to look at the scale, but right after Christmas I decided that I had to get back to it and work on me again. I wouldn't say I was in a better place. Stress still plagued me. Now I was trying to settle four kids into a new routine in a new space with new rules.
When I finally did make my way to the scale I found I was 265lb. I had gained nearly everything back and I was devastated. I was so disappointed in myself for letting life do what it always did... get the better of me.
I still didn't have time to commit to me though. Honestly, I go go go all day long. I don't have time to sit and log my food and by the time I find time to exercise, I am either too exhausted or the kids have to be somewhere or do something. So I started off small and simple... I stopped going back for seconds. When I made my plate, I put half of what I normally eat and that was it.
Now I just do this at dinner. I usually have to drink a protein shake for breakfast because that is all I tend to be able to eat/drink in the time I have. Lunch, I usually have soup or leftovers, but I suppose I apply the same rules, half of my normal plate and don't go back for seconds. See, I found that my biggest meal of the day has always been dinner. My brain is trained that way, and eating bigger breakfasts and lunches didn't seem to do anything to curb my appetite at dinner. I needed to find something that worked for me because all the advice in the world didn't seem to be working. The problem was... I would focus focus focus... and then I would burn out... get tired... give up... self sabotage. I think to myself... I can't do this for the rest of my life. Counting calories isn't living! I have to figure this out a different way.
So I just flat told myself NO. You can have dinner. But you don't need a huge meal. And I found... I really don't.
So I am figuring this out... I realized that I was making my plates too large and because I have this thing about eating everything on my plate, I would. It wasn't the amount of food that was making me full. It was the idea that my plate was finished. I feel just as full after a smaller plate as I did with bigger plates, so the only thing I can think of is that it was all in my head.
I know eventually I will have to be more diligent with keeping track of my food, but for now, this is working. I am mindfully eating. I don't eat in front of the TV... as a matter of fact, I am hardly watching TV anymore, except at night because I am an insomniac and I can't sleep half the time.
So I have lost 20lbs since September. And at first when I thought about it... it made me sad. I mean, that is three months of time I lost... I could have been so much smaller now. Then I looked at my page and I read the words I had written back when I revamped my page.
"One day at a time.
Losing weight is a slow process. It has taken me two years to come to terms with the fact that 135lbs will not come off overnight. It has taken me longer to accept that I have to put the work in if I want to see results. So now I am here, making a commitment to no one but myself that I will reach my goal in my lifetime. Whether that means losing ten pounds a month or ten pounds a year, I will achieve it, because I can.
If you want something you have never had, you have to do something you have never done. :)"
That woman who wrote that was smart. She knew what she was talking about. I think I might have lost her along the way somewhere. Realizing that I may not be one of those people who have a total body transformation in a year made me feel a lot better about 20lbs in six months. At this rate, I will be at my target weight in 3 1/2 years. And you know what... that is okay. Even if I don't stay at this rate... even if I gain a few lbs back and have to lose them again, I will never be 270 again. I will fight every day and I will be mindful of what I eat and how I treat my body.
I want to prove to my children that this can be done without surgery. My parents had the surgery done. They are looking fabulous now, but they have to deal with so many draw backs. So many limitations. I don't want that, and I don't want my children thinking it is okay to take the easy way out because it isn't easy. They struggle daily just as I do... they still have to exercise and they have to worry about factors that I don't.
My ex, who has been large since I have known him, just recently lost over a hundred pounds. Even though we don't get along half the time, I am proud of him for setting a good example for my two oldest children who struggle with their weight already.
All I want is to be that for my children as well. I want to be the example they want to follow... not the example they do the opposite of.
When kids see drunks, drug addicts, or gang members... they see the negative and say... I don't want to be like that. I feel like right now... that is how they see me. I am fat. I am unhealthy. And they say, they don't want to be like me. And of course, as their mother, I don't want that either. I don't want them to be fat adults. I want them to learn to love exercise and eating right.
In the same note, I want them to be proud of me. I want them to be healthy. I want them to see my struggle so they know that with the right attitude and perseverance, anything is possible. That is the legacy I want to leave to my children. That is how I want to be remembered.
I finally broke into the 240s which is a huge accomplishment. In all the time that I have been with Sparkpeople, which is 3 yrs in March... I have never been in the 240s. In fact, I haven't seen 240s since I had Hailey nearly 6 years ago and that was my pregnancy weight!
Today... I am proud of myself. Today... I am 248lbs. :)