Friday, January 25, 2013
I don't know what is wrong with me as of late. I feel so down in the dumps. Yesterday I felt really low and I was pleading with God not to let me self destruct. We all know the "who cares, I don't, they don't, so what am I trying for anyway" mentality. I really just felt like a failure yesterday and I am not sure what is eating me up. I am torn at this crossroads. I have no satisfaction in my work, but it is so flexible and it pays my bills. I feel stupid for not relishing my super easy job, but I am sort of over it. I want to do my eBay business fulltime but I am terrified I wouldn't make the money I would be losing by quitting my jobs. I don't know what direction to go or where my place is. Maybe I'll go back to school and do eBay. I don't know. That is the problem, I just don't know and I don't know where God wants me, but I know I am not in the right place right now because I am accomplishing nothing. I just feel really sad right now. Like I am lost in the desert and don't know what direction to turn to get out.
My diet has been doing well. I am still the same weight as last week which is fine because I had those bad meals over the weekend and I am unsure where I am during the week. I have been doing the best I can right now without giving up. I can't give up. I have a commitment. I am so done with being fat. I really just want the scale to move down. Under 270 is the goal this week, I am at 270.6.
Tomorrow is the Biggest Loser RunWalk 10k. I am excited to get out and do something physically straining. I decided to do the Climb for Air Stair Climb in April at what used to be the tallest building in Austin, the Frost Bank. Yesterday I got on the Stair Master (the one that is like real stairs, not the steppers) to see where my starting place was. I don't climb stairs at all (no opportunity really) so I wasn't sure what to expect. The machine said I did 32 floors in about 10 minutes, equal to about .6 miles. That is kind of crazy. So I guess the climb race is really more about speed,because the time seemed short even though it was difficult. It is definitely different than going forward. Going up .6 miles is definitely harder than going forward .6 miles in 10 minutes.
I want to get out of this slump. I want to feel empowered. I don't want to feel so crappy anymore, but I don't know what to do because I don't really know what the real problem is. I dunno. I'll keep praying because I am dangerous in this mental place. I drink.... and I don't want to go there... I AM NOT! So I have to figure out how to get away from this mental place. God will help me.