Friday, January 25, 2013
So I made a big effort to go out today. I know that probably sounds strange or lazy to most people but since I've been on holidays I've really struggled with being social, I've been hiding at home away from the judgemental eyes of others. I guess really I've been struggling with getting out the past few months since I've slowly gained back the 15 kilos I'd lost in early 2012.
Anywho my friend Jenni had mentioned earlier in the week that we should head out to the Res and play with Karenas latest toy, her new Paddle Board. Usually I would just make up an excuse not to go. It's public, it involves wearing bathers and worse still it's an activity I'm likely to be no good at. Now don't get me wrong, my reluctance was not because I'm a sooky la la and couldn't handle being crap at something, I'm used to not being much chop at MOST things the first (10) time(s) ha ha ha ha. Actually I love to give something new and different a go, but I am also only all to familiar with the kind of humiliation a "large girl" can experience when putting herself out there in such situations. If a slim person attempts something like climbing aboard a Paddle Board and falls off, people might laugh with them momentarily and watch with encouragement for the moment they are able to stand up successfully, however when an oversized person does the same, the laughing is not so much with you as it is at you and derogatory words (at least thoughts) usually ensue. Of course I'm incredibly telepathic and can hear such negative thoughts being shouted at me meanly from miles away, even if you're not looking in my direction ;).
Despite the fact that I was a dancer, I've always been pretty unco and I can assure you I've never been the type of person who just picks something up first try (we all secretly hate those kinds of people right). So when a situation arises where I'll be showing skin AND awkwardly falling about the place I'm not too keen to just jump in. As expected I was really crap ha ha ha. I flailed about, fell off before I even properly got on and can easily imagine I resembled a beached whale once I did eventually get on. But I'm proud of myself for just going out there and doing it despite the internal panic attack I was experiencing . As a very large girl my confidence is shot right now but sometimes FOMO (fear of missing out) trumps potential public humiliation, not often but in this case it did.
So as it turns out even partial successful Paddle Boarding is a lot of fun (if I only I could actually stand up) well that is until your laying on the board and the only thing between you and the shore is a terrifying 50ft black snake in the water right in front of you. Yep that's right, imagine suddenly being stranded without a paddle, your limbs are on auto pilot and quickly retract from the water, then paralytic fear kicks in and you're unable to call out to your friends and alert them to your distress as you float closer to one of your all time biggest freakin phobias. You are aware of every tense muscle in your body, your tummy flips a couple of times before contracting so hard it may disappear into itself completely. Then you catch a glimpse of a large round shell that appears on the surface and your brain slowly registers that the 50ft black snake is in actual fact a rather large turtle with a freakishly long neck. Just because it was a turtle and not a 50ft black snake doesn't make the fear any less real :)
Do you have any fears/phobias? What are they?