So I reached my goal weight before Christmas. I was my perfect BMI. I met my mam in town for a glass of wine which was kind of the unveiling. I knew I looked nice but I couldn't believe her response. I went for the first glass of wine I'd had in over two months and had a fish stew, which I mostly ate to avoid any comments regarding why I wasn't eating. The truth was this soup was the closest thing I was allowed to have according to Dr Dukan's rules, though I knew there was probably at least a tablespoon of olive oil lurking in that tasty broth.
So I was received well by all after my 12lb weight loss which is quite evident on someone of 5ft. I was shocked by people eating bread casually, or monching on chocolate mid-week. It seemed sacrilegious, it seemed lazy, and stupid. I thought about food most of the time: What I'd eaten, what I'd cook, was there enough fromage frais in the fridge? If I was walking I'd count how many calories I was probably burning. I never let myself take the elevator or if I was rushing and I did I'd berate myself afterwards. There was constant guilt. If the supermarket had no fat free yog and I bought low fat instead I'd think about that for hours after eaten it- the day would have been a failure, and then berate myself more for not going to another supermarket - lazy, lazy, lazy.
I got the results but I wasn't much fun to be around. I didn't see my friends as they wanted to go for food or drinks to socialise whereas I couldn't even have a cappuccino as nowhere has skim milk, only low fat. I couldn't order just a drink as I would afraid someone would mention it, so I just avoided it. The scales was my best friend. I'd wake up everyday and generally see success.
Then Christmas came! I'd reached my ideal weight maybe 2 weeks prior so I started to relax. I was so happy that I'd reached the weight and looked so tiny and toned that I decided a bit of this and that would be okay. I sat there one night and ate everything in the kitchen in a frenzy. Everything tasty. Then I realised the horrific thing I'd done so thought, in for a penny, in for a pound and ate a whole tub of ben and jerry's and proceeded to go and throw it all up. Still googling best ways to make sure I'd gotten rid as much as I could.
Then the baking event. I decided to bake cakes and cookies for my grandad as a present and had to taste everything so I knew there was a lot of calories being consumed there, again I thought, well I've failed now and completely binged. I felt so sick of sugar I was shaking and nauseous, I threw it all up again and then spent half an hour running up and down the stairs to burn it off. The next day, I woke and ate more crap and I did the same.
Finally I went to Spain for the new year and ate huge portions of crazy food and lamented my old skinny self but accepted that I'd put it all back on and enjoyed every food I ate, the tapas and the wines and then beautiful desserts. I didn't consider whether my cafe con leche was made with skim of full fat milk, I didn't eat only the protein but leave the bread and sauce, I didn't insist on eating only oat bran for breakfast, but instead had croissants and hot chocolates galore.
When I returned from Spain, I was really looking forward to the scales in the same way you look forward to getting the results from an exam you did know study for. You are so intrigued by how bad the damage is that there's some kind of sick desire knowing.
Well I'd only gained 3 pounds, imagine 3 lbs!!!!!! If you had of seen the things I ate in Spain. Portions fit for an athlete with the calorific decadence that would make Nigella's food look like an eat clean advertisement.
I was shocked and delighted and then lost control properly. I got some cook books for Christmas and suddenly everyday was worthy of celebration. Dessert was a must. Biscuits at break times, muffins or the craic, hot chocolate replaced tea and no more exercise of any kind due to the January cold (and an incredible laziness). And I didn't care because I was rebelling against that girl who looked down on people who had a turkey wrap for lunch because God forbid, that wrap had carbs!! (Or white death, as Arnold Schwerzneggar used to say).
En fin, I received a text last night from a friend who I haven't seen in a while telling me I reminded her of a girl in a film. I watched the film last night and it made me sad. I haven't seen the girl in 2 years and in those 2 years I have changed dramatically. I've lost weight (generally), I've gained confidence. I'm more organised and less impulsive and irresponsible. I've a boyfriend, an apartment, a job and I get A's in my masters course. The girl in the film was the opposite of these things and the notion that somebody perceives me like this was harrowing. I went to bed angry, offended and determined to prove her wrong.
She wants to meet this weekend, and now after my recent attitude to food I have gained it all back on. She is a very... strong minded person, who can cut you with a knife and I suppose I let her be ruder to me before than I would like to now. But I know if I meet with her this weekend I wont have my "new me" confidence because I'm feeling a little chubby.
So... I need to change things. The Dukan diet is amazing. It works infallibly, for when you're on it. And if you had the self discipline to follow his aftermath plan I'm sure that would all work out well for you. Unfortunately Christmas came at a bad time for me and I'm also a bit too all or nothing for that kind of wean yourself off way.
I could try it again, I mean the quick results are definitely something I found very motivating. Knowing that every few days a pound would be gone from the scales was so rewarding. However, I became unbearable to be around with the constant talk of food and calories. I also don't think it's a very social plan.
But worst of all, I lost a lot of muscle because I did no exercise. Well I walked a lot and walked stairs, my love handles disappeared and my legs were nice for the first time ever and even my arms looked toned but that was because you could see the muscle because of the loss of centimetres of fat. It got to the stage where I couldn't carry the shopping back or my arms would ache when I had to hold the phone to my ear for a conversation. And I haven't recovered. Even now if I walk for long I can feel my stomach muscles are sore. This is really disappointing as I was always very strong, I have an athletic build but these days I can't open a jar of mayonnaise without help. This loss of muscle cannot be good for my health of my metabolism.
I don't regret doing the Dukan diet and I feel I can take a lot of positive things from the experience. However I do feel that I need to include exercise in my lifestyle and so I don't think I'll omit carbs this time despite the positive effects I saw.
I'm going to try to follow Sparks advice this time. I'll up my exercise, decrease my calories, try to eat cleaner and smaller portions. I'll still treat myself, but not daily and create an attitude to food which I can maintain for life. I've done so much research about the subject now and I realise I've learnt plenty even from my experience as a skinnier version of me that I can now apply on a more realistic basis. That's why today is day one again!