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I thought I should be honest - that's a good thing, right?

Friday, January 25, 2013


I can be honest with almost anybody...

Except myself.

I think we are all programmed that way. It was looking at the cold, hard facts last time that worked for me. Seeing me waste my calories on soda, seeing my sodium levels at 2-3 times what they should be.

Last time, I was so horrified I changed the way I did everything.

I'm not gonna lie (I mean, that's the whole reason for this post, hahaha) I hate tracking my food.

Yep - I said it.

Call me lazy if you want (that is my diagnosis), but if I spend 20-30 minutes preparing something, the last thing I want to do is be worried about how much of this did I sprinkle, or how much of that did I serve? I just want to EAT.

But maybe that is the problem...

Maybe I have waited TOO long to eat, so I am "generous" (careless) with serving sizes, and looking for some kind of emotional satisfaction when I sit down.

I am thankful that I am not a member of the "Clean your plate" club. As I type this, I have about 1/3 cup of dinner still sitting in my bowl.

Well, I should clarify...I am not a member of said club when it comes to dinner. Sweets, I can admit, are a little more enticing. Just tonight I served myself some of my favorite ice cream (another confession - Ice cream or some kind of sweet is one of those habits I can pinpoint to my childhood and I STILL do this. My mom used to serve me anywhere from 1-2 cups of ice cream A NIGHT!!! Every night. I had the option to say no, but what 7 year old would!?!? Or 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 - you get the picture.) I am usually ok with about a half cup, but after potty training today and the back pain, I was generous/careless and served without thinking; then about halfway though thought, "I could stop here, that is really all I wanted.....but there is all this left and I won't put it back in the container, that's gross.......*nom, nom, nom*"


So many things to fix.

At least after a long nap my back is feeling better. The past few days I have been doing some extensive cleaning(had the flu - 'nuff said), hanging curtains, a dry erase board. Some of you might be thinking, "That's it? Curtains?" .... Yep. A lot of laundry, one VERY long shopping trip, curtains - which meant standing on a counter-height chair multiple times and hand drilling all those little screws (120'' rod, multiple support brackets), and doing that again for a large dry-erase board in our room. That's ALL it took to make my body hurt.

I'm sad.

I used to march parades for FUN. I used to take pride in the fact that I could walk for miles and not be able to tell the difference the next day. I did this while overweight, which made me prouder for some reason. Now, hanging curtains and STANDING for long periods of time makes my body protest.

Brutal honesty.


This is not ok. If this is where we are now, what happens in a year when Bella hits school? What happens the next year when Will does? Don't you think they will go on field trips, and they will want you to chaperone? I was always envious of the kids who got to hang out with their moms on field trip days. I think my mom MIGHT have come with us MAYBE ONCE. That just wasn't a priority of hers. She always saved her time off for Christmas break and we hung out and watched soaps and had pajama days. I never told her how sad it made me to not have her go, I didn't want to upset her. That was me as a kid. Always worried about making mommy happy.

Will I avoid school trips because I don't want to walk in the heat at the Zoo?


Not this momma.

I need to find my courage. I need a way to remind myself why I am doing what I am doing.

Maybe I will try to adopt a motto. Something that I can repeat over and over, that when I am faced with tough choices, I can repeat and call on for strength.

Any suggestions? Do any of you do this?

I have started my own Spark Team dedicated to Assassin's Creed. :D

For those of you who are not gamers, AC is one of my favorite game series. It can get violent (obviously, lol), but the Assassins are generally a good group of people. They are fighting against another secret society that is concerned with controlling mankind. Control, dominance, "order".

Maybe the answer is right there. I am fighting so that my weight does not control me. I want my freedom. I don't want to be bound to a chair, bed, house... I don't want to be limited in the options I have for shopping.

Let me know what you think. As always, thanks for reading emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    LOVE your honesty!!! Thank you!
    1817 days ago
    My 25 year-old son loves Assassins Creed, too. I should let him know there is a spark team for that!

    I loved Amanda's suggestion to take pictures of your food and track it later on. I've done this a few times when eating out and it does help take some of the pressure off. I also eat a small bite of something 30-45 minutes before dinner, because that is where I have the most trouble not going overboard.

    Stay honest...with yourself above all!
    1819 days ago
    I don't track my calories at all. I have managed to lose 50 lbs with out tracking calories. A sp member recommened this book it's called the "Core balanced Diet" if you get the kindle version it's only $5.

    It talks about how for women, weight loss is significantly more complex than just calories in and calories burned. When it comes to women our head/mind controls soo much of our bodies its ridiculous. It's talks about how extra weight is a symptom of bigger problems, like stress.

    Another thing I did to turn things around was I created a mission statement. Why I'm doing what I'm doing, my purpose, what I want to get out of it. I posted it to sp, and I also posted it in my bedroom so the days I'm feeling like I'm not strong enough, I read it and it renews my inspiration.

    The funny part is, the happier you are with your life, you mind find that the weight just falls off on its own.

    Stop beating yourself up! Please, your body is an amazing thing, and it's trying to tell you many things. If you stop beating it up, you'll start to hear what it's telling you. I agree with the previous comment, don't tell yourself you can't have the ice cream, but get a kind that's high quality, or better yet get together with the kids and make your own!

    Take care and welcome back.
    1820 days ago
    I hate tracking too, so there are a few things that I've found that helps.

    One: Take a picture of whatever you're eating. Then, at the end of the day, track everything all at once, when you're not longer filled with that "forget tracking I wanna eat" feeling. Then at least you KNOW, and you still feel some accountability in your choices. If you don't clean your plate, take a second picture so you know how much you actually put in your body.

    Two: Learn to say yes to that hunger cue that says "that's all I wanted" like you mentioned with the ice cream. It's a hard instinct to obey, but the fact that you already have that instinct is MAJOR. Most people lose the ability to know when they're hungry, satisfied, and full. I lost my first 30 lbs without calorie counting, and have lost about half of what I've lost here on Spark without counting, because I pay attention to hunger cues. I eat when I'm hungry - really hungry, not emotionally hungry - and stop when I'm satisfied, not full.

    Three: Eat something small about half an hour before it's actually time to eat. This could be a few almonds or a piece of jerky or a small spoonful of peanut butter. Just something to get the body going on digestion. It will lead to far fewer "need to eat NOW" feelings when dinner comes along, and then you won't feel quite so generous. :D
    1820 days ago
    1820 days ago
    Hi there! Just passing by and thought your internal dialogue sounded a lot like mine. (If that sounds weird, I'm sorry.) Anyway, you're a big inspiration and I can't wait to see your journey. Perhaps we can embark on this ever-fighting journey together.

    Oh, and by the way.....

    emoticon Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.
    1820 days ago
    *hugs* First, welcome back! Second, way to be honest. If this was easy, well shoot if any of us would have ever got heavy to begin with. Being honest with yourself is a good way to zone in and focus on your new life.

    I think you have a fantastic motivation to get started. A mantra is easily forgotten, but those little guys that you have bustling around your feet aren't.

    Here's some advice:

    - Dive into blogs about healthy eating and healthy living. I like,,, Read them like a story, starting at the beginning, (especially a small loss and diet girl since they don't post as often) and read a post or two a day. This helps to get your head in the game.

    - Set SMALL goals. Yes it is cool to say, "Wow last week I could hardly do xyz, but now I can" but this is bad and dangerous. Instead, pick ONE thing, and improve on that. For example, it can be drinking 6 or 7 glasses of water (two or three more than you currently drink) for a full week. Then next week, you can try eating lean, natural protein at breakfast. Until one day, you have a whole selection of habits that work for you.

    - Don't change anything that you wouldn't change for YOUR ENTIRE LIFE. I know. Rough. You're going to have to eat ice cream. (thankyouJesus) but instead of eating the processed kind every night, you get to buy the BEST PUREST ice cream you can find (or make) and have 1/2 cup every Monday night in the bathtub (am I the only one who does this?) or with the kids or whatever.

    - Make up your mind. There is no trick to making this stick. It's not easy. It's not "fun". But if you want to win, and have the life you want, you have to make up your mind and start living the life you want before you even get to the smaller size. Want to be more brave? Start doing things that scare you. Be brave! Go. Do. Explore. Make those memories. Goal weight will come.

    I seriously believe in the power of SMALL steps. So small, you feel they won't possibly make a difference. Because this isn't a short race. Sprinting gets us resting under a tree missing our chance. How many stories have you heard of people who shuffled around the block at the beginning, and then around 2 blocks who now run marathons? Let's be like those people.

    I can't wait to read your success story. :D
    1820 days ago
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