Honesty.

I can be honest with almost anybody...

Except myself.

I think we are all programmed that way. It was looking at the cold, hard facts last time that worked for me. Seeing me waste my calories on soda, seeing my sodium levels at 2-3 times what they should be.

Last time, I was so horrified I changed the way I did everything.

I'm not gonna lie (I mean, that's the whole reason for this post, hahaha) I hate tracking my food.

Yep - I said it.

Call me lazy if you want (that is my diagnosis), but if I spend 20-30 minutes preparing something, the last thing I want to do is be worried about how much of this did I sprinkle, or how much of that did I serve? I just want to EAT.

But maybe that is the problem...

Maybe I have waited TOO long to eat, so I am "generous" (careless) with serving sizes, and looking for some kind of emotional satisfaction when I sit down.

I am thankful that I am not a member of the "Clean your plate" club. As I type this, I have about 1/3 cup of dinner still sitting in my bowl.

Well, I should clarify...I am not a member of said club when it comes to dinner. Sweets, I can admit, are a little more enticing. Just tonight I served myself some of my favorite ice cream (another confession - Ice cream or some kind of sweet is one of those habits I can pinpoint to my childhood and I STILL do this. My mom used to serve me anywhere from 1-2 cups of ice cream A NIGHT!!! Every night. I had the option to say no, but what 7 year old would!?!? Or 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 - you get the picture.) I am usually ok with about a half cup, but after potty training today and the back pain, I was generous/careless and served without thinking; then about halfway though thought, "I could stop here, that is really all I wanted.....but there is all this left and I won't put it back in the container, that's gross.......*nom, nom, nom*"

*sigh*

So many things to fix.

At least after a long nap my back is feeling better. The past few days I have been doing some extensive cleaning(had the flu - 'nuff said), hanging curtains, a dry erase board. Some of you might be thinking, "That's it? Curtains?" .... Yep. A lot of laundry, one VERY long shopping trip, curtains - which meant standing on a counter-height chair multiple times and hand drilling all those little screws (120'' rod, multiple support brackets), and doing that again for a large dry-erase board in our room. That's ALL it took to make my body hurt.

I'm sad.

I used to march parades for FUN. I used to take pride in the fact that I could walk for miles and not be able to tell the difference the next day. I did this while overweight, which made me prouder for some reason. Now, hanging curtains and STANDING for long periods of time makes my body protest.

Brutal honesty.

WAKE UP ANGELIQUE!

This is not ok. If this is where we are now, what happens in a year when Bella hits school? What happens the next year when Will does? Don't you think they will go on field trips, and they will want you to chaperone? I was always envious of the kids who got to hang out with their moms on field trip days. I think my mom MIGHT have come with us MAYBE ONCE. That just wasn't a priority of hers. She always saved her time off for Christmas break and we hung out and watched soaps and had pajama days. I never told her how sad it made me to not have her go, I didn't want to upset her. That was me as a kid. Always worried about making mommy happy.

Will I avoid school trips because I don't want to walk in the heat at the Zoo?

No.

Not this momma.

I need to find my courage. I need a way to remind myself why I am doing what I am doing.

Maybe I will try to adopt a motto. Something that I can repeat over and over, that when I am faced with tough choices, I can repeat and call on for strength.

Any suggestions? Do any of you do this?

I have started my own Spark Team dedicated to Assassin's Creed. :D

For those of you who are not gamers, AC is one of my favorite game series. It can get violent (obviously, lol), but the Assassins are generally a good group of people. They are fighting against another secret society that is concerned with controlling mankind. Control, dominance, "order".

Maybe the answer is right there. I am fighting so that my weight does not control me. I want my freedom. I don't want to be bound to a chair, bed, house... I don't want to be limited in the options I have for shopping.

Let me know what you think. As always, thanks for reading