Thursday, January 24, 2013
I am sitting here, just coming from a work lunch at Yard House, after eating literally over 3000 calories...
dont know what is happening to me...it all started this past Saturday. I was eating within my calorie range or a couple hundred over, but then I just went insane.
I have since Saturday, tracked all my food, but I clearly have not put any thought into my calories...I have eaten whatever I wanted without putting thought into it and then I track it and its an insane amount...I have litterally eaten 7639 calories EXTRA on top of my 1750 limit since Saturday!!!!!!
Why am I doing this to myself...Dont I know I am slowly killing myself and shortening my life? YES I do, then why cant I stop.. This is sooo hard. I am sooo disappointed and disgusted with myself that I am just eating whatever it is thats in front of me and not caring, the worst part is IM TRACKING IT AND STILL DOING IT!!! at least if you dont track you can pretend you dont know...but I have eaten basically an extra 5 days worth of calories...so an average of double my daily calories............AHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHH WHY CANT I JUST STICK TO IT!
I dont know what it is going to take for me to not self sabotage...I am in therapy and hoping I can work through the reasons I turn to food, but I am just sickened with myself and dont know what to do over it. I am determined not to let this happen again...I know one reason is PREPARATION...
Siince Saturday my kitchen was a disaster area...dirty dishes from cooking on Friday and Thursday of last week...and I havent wanted to clean up, so that stopped me from cooking so I ate out, and there is the VICIOUS CYCLE...
i know my trigger is not being prepared, like what is really important is
1) to have groceries in the house (so I need to meal plan and grocery shop, did this last week and was successful)
2) Maintain a clean kitchen
Usually when I do these 2 things I am successful, I mess up and it just blows up and is just a cycle thats hard to get out of..
I cleaned my kitchen this morning, but dont have groceries...so tomorrow mornining (get paid) going grocery shopping.
I already printed out the weeks dinners. I am taking dinner leftovers for lunch. to make sure I dont slip up and eat out.
I know I have to let it go and move on from this weeks slip up, but I am so frustrated that I allowed myself to do this knowing all that I know. This just tells me that this is a BATTLE for me, a true battle, a fight with myself the whole way...I WILL BE VICTORIOUS!