Fair warning: most of my blog titles make no sense and I like it that way!
I have been munching all freakin day. It is like all day i have been one level above hunger but one level below satisfied. Basically, I can feel my stomach operating and I have been throwing things down the chute so I don't have to listen to or feel what is going on down there. I don't know why I can't feel satisfied lately? I understand part of this journey is being okay with being hungry sometimes. Today I wasn't feeling that. I think it is my inner cavewoman realizing that it is 4 degrees in Omaha today and I have much less padding than I had before and she is trying to keep me alive! Either that or my inner fat girl is throwing a tantrum. I don't know but I don't have many calories left for dinner unless I go crazy in my evening workout. Did I mention it was 4 degrees? That is cuddling weather not sweating weather. Oh well, guess I will have to cuddle AFTER P90X.
I was at Zumba with my sister yesterday. In our class, there are mirrors on each wall of the room. I hated that damn room when I was 270 lbs. I thought they were circus mirrors because there was no way I could possibly be as big as the image that was dancing in front of them. Yesterday was different. I began to wonder if they replaced the Fun House mirrors with different ones because there was no way the chica staring back at me with the gangly arms was me! I think it was the first time in a long time that I have taken in how much I have changed. My forearms were so slender that they actually looked lanky. I appeared narrow. I didn't look like ME. I looked like the person I always thought I was but could never find.
I have been heavy for so long.
I knew that at a young age. But at some point I embraced my thickness, I believe I was 14 years old. But what I thought was curviness was the beginning of an uphill battle. Here I was my senior year of high school:
You see, I didn't know I had a problem at that point because I was very popular at school. The cool kids and the nerds were my friend (I was actually a nerd - president of National Honor Society, Editor-in-Chief of the newspaper, just in cool clothes) and I had a steady boyfriend all the way through school and other boys hit on me as well. I didn't know I was obese! Then May of 2012 came around and my sister took this picture of me.
I was shocked! That was not the ME that I seen in the mirror everyday. It was like a kick in the gut. Part of me was angered that no one brought my weight to my attention. But why would they? I put on the front that I was so confident and happy with my looks, why would anyone argue that? I IMMEDIATELY changed the way I lived. And while I was changing internally, emotionally, mentally, etc, etc, it took some time for the changes in my physique and appearance to take ahold. But I didn't let that stop me.
Two weeks in, only 1 lb down but feeling better already.
Seven weeks in and I am down about 13 pounds. It was at this time that I decided I would run a 5k a month to keep myself motivated. There isn't a ton of change on the scale but I ran most of this race and finished at 37 minutes! Super proud and definitely couldn't do that before.
My engagement photos taken August 25th, three months in. I am down25 pounds from my highest weight. I didn't feel pretty on this day. I wanted results faster. I wasn't seeing the changes and was losing hope. But I told myself that it had to get better if I continued to put the work in.
A little over one month separates this picture from the previous. In that month that I stayed committed and pushed harder, the weight began to melt off. To me, I look at these two pictures and it looks like twenty pounds separates them. It doesn't. The two pictures are a difference of 8 lbs. Can you believe that??? I can't but believe me, I take very detailed records! That just goes to show that each pound is special and each pound makes a difference, so respect and appreciate each pound because it is getting you somewhere.
And today, I don't recognize myself. I have changed from a person who hated nature in every shape and facet to a person who is scratching at the door waiting to get outside. I get a high from beating my body to exhaustion and working hard. Most days, I look like this after a workout:
and THAT means I had a good time! I have cheekbones, a jaw line, my nose is a different shape, I have dimples (I had them before but my fat filled them up like botox), my collar bones are defined. This is me now:
I respect this girl. I am proud of this girl. And although I don't quite know who she is yet, I am looking forward to the woman she is becoming.