Thursday, January 24, 2013
For the past week or so, the serenity prayer has been going through my mind. A lot. At really random times. I'm not an alcoholic or drug addict. The only AA meetings I've ever attended were during college as requirements for my social work classes. The prayer has never had any particular meaning to me. Until this week.
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I can not change.
The COURAGE to change the things I can.
And the wisdom to know the difference."
Wow. How powerful is that!?!?!
I have been focused on being courageous in the last 13 months, and changing the things that I can. I've changed how I eat, how I move, and how I talk to and relate to myself. Recently, I have begun the work of emotionally unpacking this... why I got to 420# in my twenties. HOW I got to that point. Why I spent the large majority of my life feeling worthless and unlovable.. which is requiring I delve into my adoption/abandonment issues.
"... Courage to change the things I can...."
I'm working on it. And it's terrifying. And exhilarating. And makes me feel more kick-butt than a the karate kid!
Then this week I went to see a plastic surgeon about my abdominal apron. This brought up all sorts of questions.... what is changeable? What is realistic? What is probable?
The truth is, that there are ALWAYS going to be things about this body that I'm not thrilled with. I have a 14" scar from my sternum to my bikini line (haha... that term always makes me roll my eyes b/c this girl hasn't been in a bikini since I was about 12!). I will *hopefully* be getting a new scar from hip to hip if my surgery is approved. I have no belly button. I have 3 meshes sewn into my abdominal wall, holding in my hernias. I have more stretch marks than unmarked skin. My breasts are obliterated. My arms stop waving about 45 seconds after my hand does. These things are a part of me. And I can't change most of them.
"... grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change...." Amen to that.
"... and the wisdom to know the difference..." That's where I'm struggling right now.
There are so many changes I'm working on, and so many unknowns with my body. I have a complicated medical history and there are some questions about what will be resolved/improved with healthy eating, ongoing exercise, and more weight loss. And what is what it is.
Onward I go in my journey. Just had to put those thoughts in black and white.