Thursday, January 24, 2013
First of all - sorry I haven't been able to keep up with blogs and comments and such in the past few days! I'll get right on it, I promise! Now I have about ten minutes to scribble a blog entry before going to work, so here goes.
I'm all kinds of frustrated since this weekend. Nothing seems to be going right, really. For one thing, I've been stuck in the 190's since NOVEMBER, and the scale says I gained 0.8 pounds since Tuesday. What the heck? I spend all weekend making bad choices like beer and blueberry turnovers the size of my face, and I stay at my all time low. Two days of healthy, meticulous eating and I gain weight? SERIOUSLY? It's been like this for months! I'm exasperated beyond measure.
I will admit that yes, I've fallen off the exercise wagon in the past few days. I have every intention of getting back on once this schedule disruption ends (birthday brunch here, pre-work meeting there, crazy stuff popping up all over the place!), but even when I spent time on the bike it didn't seem to affect this process of yo-yoing in a three pound range. It makes me wonder what the heck I'm doing wrong. I should be more committed to fitness, yes. But is eating too little calories a problem? Am I too low on fats or protein or too high on carbs? Should I start taking a weight loss supplement thingy like Medifast or Sensa? Are there hormone dairy and meats sneaking in my diet? WHAT IS IT?!
And it doesn't help that I'm feeling equally inept in the lifestyle department. Part of it is because I still haven't managed to get any cleaning done and I feel like I'm sifting through a sty everyday. Another part of it is that I feel like I'm going nowhere in life, spinning my wheels. I'm not making progress on weight loss, I'm still nowhere close to being able to get a new car (which might be a crisis sooner than I expect) or getting my own place, and even though I'm doing some doodling here an there and reading a book on writing novels on my lunch breaks, I don't feel like I've managed to squeeze any time in my days to be productive in things like that. It feels like I have so many aspirations financially, health-wise, literary, etc etc, but when it comes to gaining ground - even just a little bit every day - I'm a failure. It makes me feel so incapable, incompetent. A loser of the bad variety.
*Sigh* And If I've heard it once, I've heard it a million times that I tend to overfill my plate and take on too much at once. That's probably what I'm doing now, worrying about all of this stuff in one big sitting. That's the exact opposite of productive. But I will say that sometimes you have to go off and have a pity party or a session of being dejected and whining so you can get those nasty downer emotions out of the way so you can actually do something about it. So I guess that's what I'm doing here.
I guess the next step is to start addressing the things I'm unhappy with and make a change. First thing's first: Get dressed, go to work, and do an awesome job. Second: Come home and get on that fricking exercise bike NO MATTER WHAT. Repeat tomorrow and the day after that, and the day after that. THIRD: Eat 1200 calories of Chipotle, because it will make me feel better and will probably make me lose weight, considering who fickle the scale is being.
Nothing to do but get out there and make the hard sacrifices necessary to get what I want, emphasis on the hard. I didn't come this far just to fizzle out now. Sometimes I've got to remind myself that, even if I only lose one pound total for the month of January, it's still a victory even if it's not as big of a win as I want. It's not about getting my head back in the game, it's about outgrowing the pee-wees and facing the challenges of the big leagues.
Work. Chipotle. More Work. Bike. I can and will do it!