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Thursday, January 24, 2013

emoticon Yes, today is a brand-new-day. I feel so much better this morning, and I am ready to reflect on yesterday.

THANK you so much to EVERYONE who made comments on my blog. I truly FELT your love, support, and prayers. Having people cheering for me was so helpful.

I woke up yesterday hungry. I ate a piece of bread about 2:30 A.M. (45 calories) I think the bread hurt my stomach. I woke up with a sharp pain in my stomach. I don't usually need to eat much before my morning run, but I was starving. So, I ate a granola bar (190 calories). I usually eat Sport Beans or my Hammer-Sustained mix both 100 calories. So I was ok with the extra 90.

I had a nice run. ***Started thinking about a trip to Disneyland with my family and sister this summer and was ANGRY. I don't want to go, mostly because of my issues with my sister. I won't go into too many details, but I was angry. I drank my morning shake (added a little less yogurt), and I took my first Prozac Pill (Resentful about this), and I was off to work.

Work was ok. I was still hungry and thinking about food. I ate my snack (granola bar) and made it to lunch ok. This is when the anxiety REALLY started. I tried to call my mom (LOVE her, but I need to wait until after school), and I talked to my dad. I was still angry about the morning issue. It just triggered me more.

I finished off my school day. Ate my granola bar snack #2. Right after school, I needed support. My #1 person to text who I know can handle me and my sadness is out of town. I was so happy for her. She was giving her first presentation. There was NO way I was going to ruin her day. I decided to text my husband. "I'm having a bad day... just mood and have eaten 5 hard candies, a possible trigger. I'm not freaking out yet but thinking about food and sad... wish Rachael was here but she's out of town. Don't know who to talk to just sad."

So... I stayed at school longer than usual. Meditated (tried) read and answered a few Spark-Mail (which I love), and was going to go to an OA meeting, Instead I ending up chatting with my sister-in-law. I love her honesty, everyone's honesty. But everyone keeps reminding me it IS going to be hard. That this is a long, tough road. BLAH!!! LoL....

I missed my 5:30 OA meeting and came home. I ate my normal dinner and had a discussion with husband. I felt so badly, I was short-tempered and sad with him. I know he tries his best to understand, but I just think it hurts him and frustrates him too. They aren't counselors LOL or probably know too much about ED's.

Anyway... here's what saved me. I put on the "happy" face and went to my daughter's church activity. It went fine. She was adorable. LOVE her to pieces.

I came home and was obsessing about food. I was still kind of hungry too. I ate carrots with a little dip and 3 pieces of (45 calorie) bread. Then, my daughter came home... She was what I needed. She sat on my bed with me and just chatted. We just let things be and talked and actually watched Super-Nanny (the American one I hadn't seen before). She must have just let me fall asleep after about 30-40 minutes. I didn't wake up until much later... 11:40 and husband was coming to bed, and I turned off the t.v. and went right back to sleep.

I've got to go run now... I will reflect on my triggers and am so happy I made it through yesterday. I am hoping today is a much, much better day. NO anxiety, sadness, resentment, LOL... ok maybe a little but God help me deal with them better.

Have a great day everyone.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    your doing aamzing u are so put together! Good luck with ur sis and disney i am so jelious its on my buck list of places to visit!!
    1883 days ago
    1883 days ago
    You've got plans in place. You are making good choices.
    One day at a time:)
    1883 days ago
  • JOSIE2013
    You are amazing!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1883 days ago
    keep going sis.... if you are going through hell, keep going. you might get out before the devil knows you're there...

    go forward my Spark sista!

    YOU CAN! :)

    1884 days ago
    You did great. I hope someday I can have it together as you do. Has OA helped you a lot? I've never been, but I would like too. I'm a bit scared.
    1884 days ago
    You are doing great with identifying your feelings. Way to go!
    1884 days ago
    Netty, every tough day that you make it through successfully makes the next tough day easier. Yesterday you learned that you can make it through feelings of anger and sadness without bingeing (even if it's hard) and that you CAN fake it till you make it. A smile on the outside sometimes makes you smile on the inside. You also learned to take strength from your family, even if they are not the most appropriate people to help you with your ED issues. I say that yesterday was a COMPLETE SUCCESS!

    1884 days ago
  • CAMAEL100
    Fantastic, as I read, I kept expecting you to say it turned to a binge. Major achievement for you. Well done!
    1884 days ago
    Aahh, husbands. :) I love mine to pieces but I'm sorry, there are just things our women friends can provide that I'm not sure if they ever will be able to. I'm not sure if the experience is the same for you, but sometimes opening up to him just adds to my anxiety, when I KNOW he's just not the right person for me to be talking to. If only they would know we sometimes just need someone to listen and not try to fix things for us.

    Your comments about your daughter put a smile on my face because I can completely relate. My daughter, at 16, is one of the wisest people I know and such a calming force for me. We are two very lucky moms. emoticon

    I think sometimes we tend to get caught up in that life is supposed to be perfect every day- we're supposed to be happy all the time, everything is supposed to go our way. Obviously, that's not the case, but thinking that often adds to already stressful situations. Perhaps if we can take a step back and observe, "Oh, this is a crappy day. I get it. And not all days will be crappy, so I have to let this one run its course and it too will change." What really brought this to light for me is my marriage. I've been happily married 20 years. Some days/weeks/months Steve and I are totally in sync, happy, etc. Others, yeah, not so much. But everything cycles out- you just have to let the bad times run their course and not get too caught up in them and make them mean something. Cause sometimes they mean NOTHING. It's just life.

    Sorry- I'm wordy. Can you tell? :)

    1884 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/24/2013 10:43:25 AM
    Great reflection broken down piece by piece- nothing is going to get past you! That;s awesome.

    Hope today is better.

    Text me whenever ya want- I;m going to sparkmail my number to you and when you do text I'll try not to feed you the "its going to be a long road..." response
    1884 days ago
    doing your best day to day be proud of all of it
    1884 days ago
    Proud of you Netty

    You are making progress even though you don't see it. You got through a very tough day relatively unscathed. Make sure you eat with those meds as they will upset your stomach if you don't.

    As for you sister, obviously a hot button and perhaps a trip to Disney is not in the cards for you but wait until you get settled in the therapy etc say a couple of months and then make a decision when you have more strength.


    1884 days ago
    Wishing a beautiful day, Netty! You're simply amazing and awesome!
    1884 days ago
  • OJ_2_OK
    You're doing so great! I am truly amazed by your strength! Keep up the great work and hope today is better.
    1884 days ago
    Well done! You re really doing awesome!!!! Our children are amazing aren't they....glad you recognize that you husband is not a counsellor.... Our spouses can only do so much...

    emoticon emoticon
    1884 days ago
    You took the right steps and you saw what was happening, good job another day down and you are ready for a great day
    1884 days ago
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