Wednesday, January 23, 2013
So here is the beginning of my story. I am me. hi there. I don't really have any intentions of sharing this blog with the public but never say never right!
My story is long 37 years worth anyway, lots of good bad and ugly have happened in those years. If you are reading this i assume i granted that in some fashion so welcome. My commitment to you is the things i write here will be honest and from my heart and experiences no fluff no excuses this is for me; not to impress any one.
I have been a member of spark ppl for a year now and have done nothing with that well maybe thats not true i do read the e-mails and it was kinda marinating in my mind as more weight was getting added to my body. So today i dissected the site and surprisingly found it extremely well done with tools i can use. I went through and set everything up i could, read articles and found my self wanting to do more to get more spark points even invited my husband and my friend Dee I hope both of you choose to do this with me god knows i need the support but even if not maybe ill be able to inspire you :).
So i am 37 maybe it took until this age to really be ready to do what needs to be done. 2013 here i come! As of the beginning of this year i stopped smoking, Granted i am only 23 days in but 23 days of no smoking for some one that smoked a pack a day since i was 16 kinda a big deal and better than all else i feel really good about this decision and am forever grateful to krista for joining me and supporting me and inspiring me.
So naturally the next step is for an over all healthy me for several reasons - me myself and i and my family and because i have gained 20 lbs since i quit smoking. Yes people it has only been 23 days and with that kind of weight gain i might as well smoke if i hope to stay alive by not eating myself to death. But alas that is no solution either so now i need to fix it. Today for the first time in i have no idea how long i did 30 minutes on my bike feel pretty good about that , i feel inspired and i feel like i can do this. I always have thoughts of it takes too long and too much work to see results so i do nothing and the only result is me being fatter. So even if nothing came of this as in weight loss but i had no gain in my book i am ahead but i am feeling this and i know if i want something i will make it work i just don't know if i have ever been ready to do what it takes. Recently i heard someone say something about food that really just made sense to me "its not what you do some of the time that matters. Its what you do most of the time that matters" I guess maybe it almost gives me permission to have that piece of chocolate i am dying for and not feel so guilty about it that i beat myself up and decide i cant do it then go eat the rest of the entire package (true story its happened) once the pack is gone well then i so obviously cant do what i need to so why try hey and lets go smoke too while we are at it cause now i am disappointed and stressed. NEVER ENDING CIRCLE. I think it has finally clicked that its ok in moderation sometimes , what is not ok is the three yes i said three chocolate bars i hate last night in five minutes waiting on dinner to be done.
The good news for me is i have a husband willing literally to do anything to support me in this journey and has been for years so much so that he paid for me to have the lap band done 17 k out of pocket and i failed miserably at that too . I have had it for 6 years now and right now i am 7 lbs less than when i got it, Granted in that time frame i did lose 70 lbs had a baby gained 50 back lost 50 gained 60 lost 30 gained lost and now i am back here full circle and it was miserable. So much throwing up having a diet of melted chocolate and ice cream for weeks because thats all i could swallow and i needed something in my tummy. i was never able to find a happy medium when I was losing the weight its cause i might be able to eat a bowl of soup if i were lucky but i was so hungry and irritated and tired then i would go get an un-fill and all i could think of was OH MY GOD I CAN EAT bread pasta steak oh a sandwich of any kind oh yeah baby ..... humm wonder why i put more lbs on. So maybe as my punishment i now need to do this the hard way the right way, with my husband by my side as a family because the last thing i want for my kids to experience is being fat at any age but more so the ages of 0-30 people are mean and the young ones more so.
wow thats a lot of typing
Today is the first day of a new beginning
weight 311.4 i am not proud of this number but i sure hope to get to one i am proud of!!!!!!!!!