Wednesday, January 23, 2013
For months now, I've logged into my SP account, and seen my weight listed as 145.
For me, I like that number. I'd like 140 more, but 145 is a reasonable place for me to be. The problem is that that's not the number I'm seeing on the scale anymore, and hasn't been for awhile.
I guess I've been hoping if I can just do what I'm supposed to do, what I know works for me to lose weight, eat the right foods in the right amount, workout etc. then sooner rather than later, 145 would show up on the scale again, and I wouldn't be fudging my numbers to my SP buddies, and I wouldn't have to own up to the reality that I wasn't...that number...anymore.
But months have come and gone, and while I've 'only' let the scale get to a certain point, the top of my range, and I've lost a few here, and then gained a few there, I'm now back to that top again, and it's time to own up.
I've changed my SP weight tracker. It now says 165.
Yep, that's where I'm at. I hate that these numbers mean so much. I've tried to convince myself they don't. In the end (and on the stomach and the thighs...) what matters is how I feel. And at 165, I don't FEEL good. This is not where my brain wants to be, and I don't want to believe it's where my body really wants to be either. Will I get back to 145? Is that where my body 'wants' to be? I'd like to give it a real try again and find out.
To begin though, I need to start at the truth. I need to say it out loud, own it, be accountable for it, report it, and stand by it, until 'it' becomes some other number.
Thanks for listening.