You ever read over your old journal writings and see a wisdom there, that you still need to apply to your life today? I've been going around this mountain [living for peoples approval for years]; even when I stopped, I guess I've still been doing it in one way or another. Either I'm not getting it or it just comes in a different form and I've got to learn it all over again. (Kind of like a dieter who's always dieting but still finds herself weighing in at 300 lbs with another New Beginning ahead of her.)
Anyway, when I first started dieting I kept a private journal but then decided to try writing a public one since I like to share; however, I ..barely got it posted and someone knocked me down for writing my thoughts, my struggles. Some skinny little thing that had no idea how it felt to be me. (I know it had to do with my personal perceptions, and it's been so long ago, I can't remember what it was about as I deleted it, but the memory of rejection, the pain of it, stopped me from sharing.
This pain and struggle I have with people, goes clear back to my childhood and I'm older now, in my 50's.. but, I think the stress and anxiety I feel towards people who bully or put pressure on me to perform a certain way, has made it so I question myself on everything [2nd guessing myself] and is one of the reasons I never get victory over obesity or the curse of putting my strength in people. I want to tell the world [people] to shut up, stop putting things on me and let me put my strength in Jesus. He is supposed to be my Comforter, not food... HE is supposed to guide me, lead me, keep my MIND stayed on HIM, in PEACE, but there are so many busy bodies and judgmental people out there ..it's crazy how I let them hurt me.
Yes, I became a shut in, I got to where I couldn't deal with people and problems, issues anymore .. BUT AS I SHUT PEOPLE OFF AND LIVE BY FAITH IN JESUS MY LIFE Is INCHING CLOSER AND CLOSER TO A FREEDOM I'VE NOT HAD IN YEARS ..if ever!!!
I see how man is NOT the bread of LIFE but Jesus is, how HE is FOR US, when I stopped feeding on HIM every day [but was living for mans validation], I felt like I died a thousand deaths, all these rejections and weaknesses hurt my faith [people's opinions, advice, arrogance.. puffed up with vanity, robbed me of who I am in Christ]. People who were stronger then me came along and like poison I kept drinking it in, until I'm in a battle for my life. But, when GOD sets you free, you can be free .. at any age.
I'm in this race again, let's do it!!!