Wednesday, January 23, 2013
So I have said this before, but in some ways I have a lot of growing up to do and in some ways I need to de-mature if that makes any sense at all. I wish I could say my issues are my ex's doing but unfortunately he can't take credit for all of them.
So I grew up in an environment where if I got hurt, or was hurting about something I never got met with any kind of tenderness or sympathy. In fact it was the opposite, if I was hurting at all I had to just suck it up and get over it. In fact my mom would tell me to stop being a baby and not in a joking manner either. My dad wasn't around and had no idea how to deal with a crying little girl anyway. There was no one else. I learned to shut that side off I guess or at least keep it locked down very tight in my heart. It was ok for my mom to share her feelings with me but it wasn't ok to voice any of mine. My feelings were a waste of time to everyone else. Well as I got older I became the person who everyone came to with stuff but I never shared any of mine. I had a best friend that I could share my feelings with, while he was in my life, but he was in and out soo much that it wasn't enough to offset anything. When my ex came into the picture, my feelings being a waste of people's time just became magnified. He didn't have time for my feelings, they were bs. I always choose the most inopportune times to share my feelings. My last bf traveled down that road a little too, by saying that everything I was going through was just too much for him to deal with. He was happy for me to vent to him but only once in a while.
So that led to me not developing my skills when it comes to communicating my feelings. I'm excellent at communicating when it comes to my values, advice, past experiences but when it comes down to sharing how things affect me and make me feel, I'm like a three year old, quite literally. I can write just fine, but what I'm talking about is face to face communication. And when I say I act like a three year old, I will bury my face in a blanket because I don't feel "safe" sharing what I'm trying to share. It will almost be agonizing to get stuff out of me. I wish I could say it was otherwise but I can't. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it go away but I can't. No one's ever wanted to take the time to listen.
So it leads to my issues of trust being rooted ridiculously deep. Now I'm not whining about my childhood. It is what it is. I do have problems that are a result of it.
What makes it worse is that I completely shut down. I don't just clam up, I almost literally disappear inside of myself, and I don't know how to come out of it. I am completely unreachable. It's almost like a newborn everything is gone, it comes down to basic survival means, and instincts. Sometimes I don't even know what's going on, I can't tell you anything, thoughts, feelings or otherwise. So I think people don't want to deal with it because in terms of my age that's something you would expect from a little kid. But you know, I've read through this quote a few times now, that "you should listen to the little things your kids have to say when they are little because then when they are big they won't tell you the big things because to them they have always been big things". When things like that become problems a person is stuck in whatever stage they stopped "developing" at.
In those "moments" nothing is rational, anymore. It comes down to feeling safe. And it's not that I don't trust people. There are people that I can literally trust with my life, but I guess to me, those things locked tight, are more valuable than my life. That takes much more.