Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Ok, I'm trying to not freak out. I don't want to drop a whole venty rant like I'm known to do on occasion. But I still need to work through my thoughts.
The scale said 167 this morning and I wanted to pick it up and chuck it out the window. And I know there's no good reason for me to freak out about that. I was off track for awhile and sort of just spinning my wheels and I'm just now getting back to work. My body has done this to me before. Held on to the weight for awhile when I first started exercising. Maybe it's because even though I wasn't giving 100% there for awhile, I wasn't completely blowing it and I was definitely still thinking about my goals all the time that it feels like my body should be cooperating now that I'm trying to be focused. Because I was still working out here and there. I was still eating reasonably. So I just expect when I do put the work in, results will follow.
But rationally I know I need to give it more time. I just get so impatient. And I get so obsessive when it's not working because I don't have every little thing perfect. I could seriously just go back and pick out some old ranty blog I've posted and just repost it with today's date cuz I feel exactly the same.
Why can't I accept myself where I am today AND continue working toward where I ultimately want to be? I get so lost in the whole thing. I mean really lost. And I start questioning everything. Am I eating too much dairy? Too much meat? Too much carbs? Too many calories? not enough calories? But when I try to be super disciplined, it doesn't work. I just won't do it. I can not seem to find a balance that works. So I go back and forth between thinking I'm not going to beat myself up and pressure myself but rather just try and be patient and then not seeing the results I want to see. and then i freak out about it and decide to not give myself any leeway which doesn't work cuz I have no discipline and very poor time management skills. And I start having thoughts like if I had more time, it would be easier. If I didn't need to work, if I only had to think about myself instead of 3 other people, if I had more money. I get all frustrated about all the obstacles. And then I think ah, screw it, I'll just stay fat. None of these options are getting me anywhere. I don't even really know what I was doing when I was being successful!
Sometimes it's really hard to picture me getting to my goal, or even close to my goal. I feel like I've hit a wall at halfway. And I'm just gonna be stuck here forever.
Ok that was rant. Sorry.