Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Hi Spark Friends Eshara43 here posting a new blog
I have been sitting around me house feeling sorry for myself because I see all of you getting out walking and exercising and eating right and I feel useless because I can't do that myself. I know I should be getting out to walk but I get pains in my legs that shoot up my leg to my hips right now. There is nothing I can do about it until my leg heals and that can take up to a full year yet.
I can't even workout in my basement because of all the junk down there and my spouse isn't helping because when I clean an area so I can workout he goes down and messes everything up on me again. When I tell him what he is doing he tells me that I don't need the area that bad. Ya Right. My family doesn't give me the motivation that I need and now I can't do anything. I sit and get very depressed over it and then start eating which I know I shouldn't.
I want to start this whole goal thing over again but if I do I have to start at the beginning again and don't want to do that. I am still sitting at 210 lbs and I know that is better then weighing 245 lbs but its been 3 1/2 months now and I havent lost anymore weight. I feel so useless. I don't have anyone around that lives close enough to me to help me keep on track so I am doing this on my own.
I want to get out and walk but the weather here is so dam cold and the roads are icy as well. I want to go back to the gym but my spouse won't even take me there now. I am applying for a Disability income tax and I can get almost 15,000 dollars from that and if I do I plan on going out and buying some fitness equipment so I can workout. I hope.
I have been talking to my parents and they are behind me on this but I can't get down to their place all the time to use my mothers treadmill.
I want more then anything to lose at least another 80 lbs if I can. I started going without eating 3 meals a day and sometimes not eating at all for 2 to 3 days at a time and I know that is wrong but when you have a family that tells you that you are fall and ugly all the time like I do then you will realize that they are right.
I am ashamed of myself and my body because I see that I am fat and ugly. Yes I know you all will say that I am beautiful but I don't see it. I can't even look at myself in a mirror when I comb my hair or brush my teeth now because I see a fat and ugly woman looking back at me.
I keep telling myself that if I want to lose weight then I should just hold my head high and tell my family to leave me the hell alone and let me do what I want to do. My young son has even said to me "Mum you are beautiful and you can reach your goal if you try harder and that I will help you". I tell him that if he thinks that I am beautiful then to help me but his father tells him to leave me alone but he won't because he loves me.
I, Susan Walsh of Debert Nova Scotia Canada here by state that I will not let anyone and anything stand in my way of reaching my goal of losing weight because I want this more then life itself. I want to be able to fit back into a size 6 jeans and a medium blouse again.
I will start tomorrow morning by eating 3 meals a day again and working out as much as I can to reach my goal by July 2013