Wednesday, January 23, 2013
I am gradually realising that Life and Time can both be moulded according to necessities.Having come to terms and accepted the Pain and the Loss of the fact that a major portion of life as I knew it can never be resurrected I'm going around trying to build one that will God Willing continue till I die.It's not that I blame God for Sudhir's death--for I know that everyone who is born has to die one day--that is the finality of Life---but it's just that I do not need the urge to communicate with God the way I used to.Those days I would talk to Him all the time---He was my Friend,my constant Companion.I can still feel Him around me and in my heart but today the words have frozen.Maybe as Sayali puts it, it was the fear and the stress of losing Sudhir to Death that made me hyper sensitive--whereas today the worst I feared has come to pass and so maybe I'm somewhere resigned in my mind about Life.I have never asked for anything for myself except Sudhir's well being and long life---for me that was the core my very existence rested on.Today I'm trying to recreate a new base to shore up my feet--and slowly but surely I'm succeeding.
Reading my Holy Books gives me peace--and soothes my mind into a level of relaxation--and last but not the least assuages the Pain a little for the time being.Another Hobby that I'm pursuing once more is Knitting--very slowly for I can't do much thanks to my right arm being the way it is---but it is turning out to be very good excercise for my shoulders--since both are in two varied stages of being frozen!!!I also am going to take up my Tapestry and Cross Stitch Work once more--for during the heat of summer to even think of Wool makes me break out in a sweat!!Only thing is that I'll be using the Matty Fabric instead of Linen or Casement Fabrics as then I can use the blunter,thicker Needles instead of the finer,more pointed ones.Sudhir would never even let me stitch his buttons on back on his shirts for fear that I may prick myself--and he wanted me to get rid of my beautiful Sewing and Knitting Pattern Books Collection because he used to feel that I'd go behind his back and indulge myself with these during my time alone at home.I may get rid of any other Books but never these for I have slowly and laboriously collected these scouring through all the Craft and Hobby Stores across Bombay/Mumbai!!Sudhir too has joined me in literally scrounging the length and breadth of City for years and years---and many of these have been Gifts from him--picking out the ones he felt I could use!!This keeps me occupied for a long time and also helps me to concentrate on the Task at hand--for since I'm a perfectionist I who hate having to redo everything till it ends up just so---it really works in helping to keep all other painful thoughts at bay.
As a child my father taught me to observe the World around me---and it is gradually turning into an interesting pastime once more.I have begun to observe the people I come into contact with minutely--leading to some astounding and some truly hilarious conclusions!!Each day springs up something new and this too keeps me busy marvelling at the diversity of Human nature!!My subjects are the people around me--including the Vegetable Vendor who comes to the door daily and the Fisherwoman--while I buy stuff from them,I also talk to them and the way they react to certain situations in Life can at times be amusing but is always helpful in teaching me something new about Life.Today I am once more realising and counting my Blessings--I have since Birth lived an extremely happy and privileged Life--having so very much to be thankful for!!Maybe this realisation will gradually help me reconnect my Hotline with My Friend once more--for I really miss the Conversations i had with Him immensely!!