Tuesday, January 22, 2013
that things are finally falling into place...
I spent most of the weekend working. I will admit to taking Sunday off and not getting out of my pajamas, not leaving the house, and having a good, old-fashioned sob-fest with West Wing via Netflix.
Monday, I met a gal for breakfast with whom I am supposed to present at a conference. We got things all planned out and both felt very good about doing our individual parts and having things mesh together well. When I left to go home, I felt relaxed and even a little excited about being a part of it.
After our talk, I emailed my director if I could take a half day the day BEFORE the conference to have a stress-free drive there--it's close to three hours away and if I left after school I'd hit huge huge huge traffic...if I left the morning OF there is a good chance I wouldn't get there at all because of traffic. It was a good plan. The people who asked us to present had arranged for us to stay over that night anyway, and the following, so we would be rested for the presentations... I was looking forward to a restful night, a good presentation and the opportunity to see some of my colleagues present in areas about which they are passionate. I was at peace with the whole idea...finally.
And then I got an email... "The time off is fine, but I think that there is a conflict...let me get back to you."
Figured out the conflict.
Our district changed our state testing dates for 3rd grade Reading (my kids) to EXACTLY the same days as the conference. Previously, they'd been scheduled for the week PRIOR to the conference and my presentation.
Which means one of two things:
a) I miss 90% of the conference, driving like a madwoman 3 hours after giving an hour and a half long test to present 3 hour and some long sessions, driving back that night, arriving home sometime between 9 and 10 only to get up at 4 to be at school by 6 (to prepare for the non-testing portion of the day and clean up the inevitable mess left by my kids) to give the second half of the test the following morning. With this option, I still get to present, am utterly stressed out the whole time, AND I miss the ENTIRE conference except for the sessions I am actually facilitating.
b) I cancel altogether, don't go to the conference, stay and give the damn state test.
I *Want* to be there for my kids. I do. I want them to do well on the test, and show what they know and all of that. But I finally, FINALLY have an opportunity to put myself out there as a professional (note, this presentation and conference was part of my professional growth plan this year...and now I have to rewrite the whole thing.) and it gets screwed up.
I was *asked* to present! ASKED! By people who matter in our profession! It wouldn't have been a whole "being discovered" sort of deal but it meant a lot to me to get to do it.
I arranged for a guest teacher a month in advance. I have part of my guest teacher plans already finished. I covered all my bases. I asked permission in November if I could go and explained in detail why I wanted to take the days. I cleared it with people I didn't even have to get permission FROM to ensure that no one would be put out if I went.
And this is what I get for all of that preparation and anxiety over it.
There is a very good chance I don't get to go at all.
I want to cry.