Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Of depression and anxiety, that is.
The hole has gotten smaller over the years. It used to be a grand canyon that seemed impossible to climb out of and where I would get lost for days, months, years on end. No matter how much I cried or worried or ate, I couldn't fill that canyon. Through therapy, the canyon shrunk down to the size of a kiddie pool. Then it temporarily widened back out to lake-sized during the divorce. Over the past two years, it has slowly shrunk again (with random fluctuations) until it's now the size of one of those random holes in your backyard. Like the ones that some neighborhood dog has dug up while looking for moles. Or the one your kids used to try to dig to China, then forgot to refill.
You're out there one day, just walking along, completely oblivious to it. And then BAM! you step in it and end up twisting your ankle (or breaking it). You fall on your face and get covered in mud. Now you've got to limp back to the house and get cleaned up.
That's where I'm at these days. Things were going OK. Not getting a teaching job was a bit of a setback, but with the stress of finishing school and just needing a JOB, I weathered that storm. Things were great with B, especially over the holidays.
But then the beginning of the year hit, and I fell in the hole. I don't know why exactly. I know I'm miserable not being able to teach. I still am not financially where I want to be. The issues with this house are getting to me. The cats are aggravating at times. I miss B during the week. All this has been the case for a few months, but I've just been skipping along, not seeing the hole in front of me until I fell in it.
So now, I'm cursing and rolling around in the dirt. It's getting dark, and I know I've got to get my gimpy a** back to the house and get cleaned up. Unfortunately, it feels like all I have the strength to do is just lay in the dirt for awhile. The bad part about this is that it causes all kinds of irrational anxiety-ridden thoughts to run through me head. For example: B and I are great, but this depression was causing me to question everything. I am so glad that he is so understanding (well, at least willing to listen and comfort me. I know it's hard to understand depression sometimes). So by talking to him about it, my relationship worries were put to rest, but other irrational worries still remain.
And I am just worn out. When I say worn out, I mean it is a b**ch to even get up and do normal things like dishes or going to the store. I'm listless and nothing seems interesting, which is crazy because I NEVER get bored.
I know what the signs are. I know I need to do something to fix it. But it might be a little bit before I can get back out of the dirt. I can't shake off the injury and "just get over it" (famous words from my ex-husband).
My therapist said that someone suffering long-term depression can climb out of it, but that it will likely keep coming back. However, each time it does, as long as I acknowledge it and work through it, these depression holes will just get smaller and smaller each time.
I know that, but it's still scary whenever a hole pops up.