Being honest with myself
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
I have whined endlessly about being stuck on a plateau, or "stalled." The fact is that over the holidays I indulged and it seemed to last longer than it should have.
I have been pretty good lately but my inner brat is still trying to take charge. I read a very moving blog entry today by another sparker who said that sometimes her mind wanders back to the days when she ate whatever she wanted and didn't move off the couch. That truly resonated with me. There are times when I get tempted to quit. There are times when this is just plain HARD and I need to decide how much I want to reach my goals.
This has been a journey and a rewarding one, but there are some days when I get very, very tempted to say, "good enough." But then I will still be the "fat one," or "that heavyset woman down the block," or the woman who can't get comfortable in the seats at the movies. Perhaps the greatest battle I face (and maybe someone else reading this) is when the devil on my shoulder teams up with my body and I have to FORCE my brain and will to overcome that team! I am a master of rationalization and can come up with a decent sounding reason for just about anything.
In short, the battle in my head is at least as fierce as the one with my body and I am at a point where I have to remind myself several times a day what my long range goal is. I'm not above being vain. I can say I'm in this for my health, for my longevity, etc... but those are far more esoteric than, "I want this for the positive feedback," "I want this so that I can wear beautiful clothes again," "I want this for the here and now rewards." Right now that's enough. And one more -- "I don't want to have to start over again."
I was gong through old pictures the other night and found a family photo taken after my mom had passed away. I've come a long way since then. I've come a long way since October when I started over in a more sincere manner. I truly don't want to go back to being that other person.
This entry was pretty much a reminder to me. If it helped you, I'm glad. It sure helped me!