"...I'm not ashamed...To be the person that I am today..." -Staind
I'm finding music I identify with like a personal soundtrack. Trying really had not to let the winter blues win. I am not really sure what the heck is wrong with me lately. The more I try to like my life the less I seem to like it. Now that everyone is well rested the between persons tension level is non-existent. Communication is sort of improving. I used to stutter as a child and now that stutter has come back which is something in my brain acting up. Is it springtime yet? This wintertime meltdown is wearing me down.
I hardly stayed within calorie range the last few days and exercise is almost none. I was doing 30 minute cardio in the morning and 20 to 30 minutes of strength training in the evening but, I pulled off 13 minutes this morning and felt like that took all the energy in my body. Maybe I'll try to get in a walking workout video. I need the workout to feel less blah.
Today is going to be...well, I'm not sure yet. Today is court for the whole being sued for much monies thing. Sorry folks, no money here, if there was I bet I'd be a happier person because I'd be out of the house spending or fixing a few things around here that are bugging me (little nit-picking things) like a outlet that one side only works half the time. Yes, I know a new outlet is less than a dollar but, you spend money driving to the store and lately it's been so tight that dollar is needed somewhere else.
I miss being active. I survive being such a homebody in the warmer months by walking/jogging in the morning, tending animals, planting the vegetable garden, and when things are ripe picking wild strawberries, mushroom hunting and just staying outdoors, busy and usually alone. I enjoy warm, comfortable nature...cold weather is my kryptonite. Mom brought me a snow suit yesterday she's hoping I can bundle up and get outdoors and cheer up. I'm going to give it try tomorrow there's trash dragged in from the neighbors dogs that needs picked out of the fence.
I feel bad for being so depressive I've really been taking it out on my husband in short snippy comments but, he's being VERY understanding that I'm going through something and shrugging it off like a champ. He says we're good as long as my life change doesn't put him out of my life. Honestly, that's a whole direction of things I don't want to think about because the last time we went there...I bounced ball like a rubber ball. (Yeah, a big rubber ball with new emotional problems, YAY!)
I just NEED something to do. Something stimulating to keep me busy and give me some free time. It'd be nice if it was something that makes money but, money brings problems with the health care end of things (if I have an income hubby will lose he's eligibility to have a caregiver when I'm gone which means I can't leave long) so, I'd even be happy to find an affordable way to volunteer somewhere. I need something to make me feel fulfilled. To make me feel like I am more than just a housekeeper, care giver, and short order cook.
Getting his ventilator was a huge help but, he's supposed to use it practically all the time unless he's sitting up. But, even there it wasn't the cure all. Last night when I got up to check on him he had rolled over and pushed it off. I feel flustered with all this health stuff too. He was bed ridden due to heart failure only to have surgery and now be left almost unable to breathe on his own. What the hell?! Can't win for losing I'm getting tired with all this. Surgery was supposed to have fixed things (i.e like me feeling like I was watching my spouse die of cardiac failure) but, now there are such wonderful new problems that are ironically just as bad. Even his doctor acknowledges the problems he told him "If you didn't have your wife we'd have to put you in a nursing home."
Anyhow, I don't mean to rant...despite the fact a psychotic rant might make me feel a little better. I think I'll try to go get in at least the 1 mile Walk At Home workout. Surely I can pull off 14 minutes of marching in place with a few nifty moves. Then to apply makeup and find my nicest still fitting court clothes. I haven't bought dress clothes in so long the only pair of slacks I have are HUGE on me (size 22). Nothing says "good luck suing me" like showing them you obviously couldn't afford new clothes.