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    FRACKTHATNOISE   14,707
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Day 216 - I remember when I weighed this much.


Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Well, guys, it's been an amazing last couple of days here in Pittsburgh PA.

First, yesterday I did something all of you know I hate to do: I went shopping. For clothes.

Now, it's easy to think I hate shopping because finding things that fit for my body type can be difficult. Sure, I'm pretty certain that influences my feelings on the subject; but, deep, deep down I hate shopping because I always have an -idea- of what I want and I can never find it. Now, since I sew people seem to think that shouldn't be a problem; but, there is a HUGE difference between sewing a costume and sewing something that you would wear in real life. (AKA not for a couple hours.)

Yesterday, though, I actually had a joyous experience shopping. It wasn't because I found what I was looking for (I settled. I got a dress, a sweater, and a belt. The dress I love. The sweater I'm pretty 'meh' about and the belt was necessary); but, because I did my first ever happy dance in a dressing room.

Ladies and Gentlemen I am officially the same size I was in high school. Size 14. Never in my wildest dreams a year ago would I have fit into a size 14. I just wanted to fit into a 16 comfortably. I just wanted to get away from that ever looming need to shop in the 'plus size' store. Don't get me wrong, I love that there is fashionable clothing in those stores; but, the fact that I had to go there to buy jeans? Or tights? Or slacks? It was humiliating. I think I spent the last couple years squeezing into a size 18 and looking like a sausage so as to avoid it.

I literally, no joke, did a happy dance inside the dressing room.

Then I took a photo, right there, and posted it to my Facebook. The caption? "Hello size 14, it's been 14 years since I last saw you." Now, if you're anything like me you have 200-something 'friends' on Facebook. They're people you've assembled from various segments of your life. People from High School, Family, acquantences from groups. Hell, some of the people I'm 'friends' with on Facebook I've known forever. Others I've only met a couple of times. So, the idea that a whopping 35 of them could 'like' that photo? Astounding. It's validating.



I can tell you this: None of them like it more than me.

As to the title of my blog the last recorded time I have myself weighing 216 is July 10, 2012. At that point I was just beginnning my journey. I remember how difficult it was to run three minutes at a time. I remember when running a mile was elusive.

Never in a million years would I have thought I could do what I'm doing now or be where I am. The thought alone is humbling. I really, really used to think "As long as I'm under 200 I can be happy." All I know is my thoughts have changed, because I know how good I feel now and how much better I will feel when I reach my goal weight. I also never want to forget how absolutely, positively HARD it was at that weight. It was hard to feel good about myself. It was hard to think that I could ever not be that weight. It was terrible and terrifying to go out and run in public. It was absolutely impossible to think that I would ever be much healthier than I was right then.

When I had club last week I spent about a half an hour in the fitness room prior to group, enteraining myself on the recumbant bike and catching up with one of the other girls in the study. We were talking and one of the things that hit me is that I still very much feel like I weigh 230 pounds. I still move in a way that I'm trying to diminish and squeeze myself places where I'm not exactly 'squeezing' anymore.

At 186 pounds and a size 14, I still feel enormous. I can't help but wonder when and if this feeling of being 'too big' will go away. I suppose that it doesn't help that I'm involved in running which is populated by naturally lithe people. It's okay, I like them and they're nice enough to let me tag around with them ;-)

I guess my question is: At what point does your perceived body image change?

Today I'm getting my three miles in on the treadmill. It's too cold to go outside and run today, that's for sure. Yeah it's 6 degrees out there - with windchill they said it's something like -8. Yeah, I'll risk public humiliation if it means that I won't suffer frostbite.

This is me wishing each and every one of you the same celebration I had in the dressing room yesterday - even if it's in some small way. Take joy in your victories because you've earned them!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
SADWHITEWOLF 1/24/2013 11:28AM

    I did the same happy dance at Old Navu last month because I bit into their size 14 Shinny Jeans (courderoy pants). It is such a fantastic feeling!
I too wonder when I will stop FEELING fat. I do still have quite alot of excess flesh around my middle. (some I exspect is loose skin)
I don't feel AS fat as I once did, but still the feeling is there.

I echo the sewing thing. I can make a very simple costume, but not tailored modern clothes.



Comment edited on: 1/24/2013 11:32:21 AM

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JAHINTZY 1/24/2013 10:05AM

    "Now, since I sew people seem to think that shouldn't be a problem; but, there is a HUGE difference between sewing a costume and sewing something that you would wear in real life."

gah! I know! I get people asking me if I made my clothes simply because I do medieval stuff and I make my garb. Making a tunic is entirely *not* like making a modern shirt, skirt, pants etc in any way!

As for the rest of the thoughts and musings, thanks for sharing! I haven't gotten to that dressing room happy dance yet, I've been there before and it was amazing and I want to go back. congratulations :)

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SKEETOR 1/23/2013 7:59AM

    Awesome work! emoticon

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CKMATHERLY 1/22/2013 2:56PM

    The percived body image is a kicker. It's so hard to readjust once you change it. I still feel fat and unattractive. Doesn't mean I am, I just feel that way. But, there was a time I was 30 lbs heavier and thought I was just fine. I still saw myself as I was in college (the size 4-6).

It took a picture taken by a family friend to make me realize I had a gut and was huge.(for me anyway) I wish I had a copy of that picture. I'd love to have it to compare to now. I still have the sweater I was wearing in it, but the jeans, well, they fall off.

It's a eureka moment. One day it will hit you, a side long glance at a window, thinking to yourself that's a pretty woman, and realizing that's you in the relfection. Things like that have always happened to me. It feels good.

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A_WISE_WOMAN 1/22/2013 1:54PM

  Congratulations! As for body image, I would suggest that you don't wait for it to change. Look actively for ways to appreciate your body for all it does for you! Too big, too tall, too short, too thin, you name it, somebody's thinking it. Maybe continuing the theme you wrote of how much more you can do, that you're helping your body get healthier; maybe it would help to shift your perspective. What if there were no more mirrors, nothing to show you how you looked on the outside? What if nobody else cared how you looked either? Then how would you feel about your body? How would you care for it? How many more happy dances would you do?



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POMATOJUICE 1/22/2013 12:59PM

    "Now, since I sew people seem to think that shouldn't be a problem; but, there is a HUGE difference between sewing a costume and sewing something that you would wear in real life. (AKA not for a couple hours.) "

YUS. DOUBLE YUS.

People think I ought to be making all sorts of cool things to wear all the time, but it's so time consuming! I like going to stores and trying a bunch of stuff on and then indescriminatingly toss it all back onto the restock cart. If I THINK something is going to look great, sew it, and then find out that I hate the fit, I'ma be pissed, yo! Plus, it's a lot of work. Cheap oversea labor makes a LOT of inexpensive clothing now. For many things, it's so much cheaper and time-saving to just buy off the rack. It used to be cheaper to make your own clothes, but fabric prices have been going up and up lately!

Congratulations on the new jeans! They look fantastic! I think jeans are like.. the WORST thing to shop for. Denim is so unforgiving :( That's why all my denim is stretch denim! LOL You look FANTASTIC! With your figure and shape, I bet you could get away with a lower rise jean if you wanted to! Sometimes I feel like my crack is hanging out if they are too low, though :X

"I really, really used to think 'As long as I'm under 200 I can be happy.' "
I used to think this all the time! Back when I was at 250, or even 236, I'd cry sometimes and think "If I could JUST be under that 200 number, it would be ok." In some ways, it totally is. But I'm hungry for more than that. Right now, I've been hanging onto the mini goal of JUST being "overweight," but I'm sure that when I get there, I'll be ready to "just" be a normal BMI :) 10 lbs to "just" overweight, and goodbye to obeisity for me!

Every time I look at your pics, I think "Damn, she is looking so good! She looks so small!" I totally get how you "feel" like you are bigger though. Today, you and I are the same weight! But as I look at your pics, I feel very happy for you.. and proud.. and just a little bit jealous. When I realized we are the same size, I thought "Well, we can't be that far apart from body shape/size then." ... but I have the same mental glitch when I'm still feeling a little disconnect. I've come so far, but I can only see how much further I have to go, and it's harder to celebrate the little milestones.

So I am going to celebrate your jeans! Because that is awesomesauce :)

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REFFIE1 1/22/2013 12:15PM

    I am glad to hear how positive you are about yourself. I am in a negative downturn with myself and so it is validating to hear your joy. Maybe I will catch some of it!
Thanks for posting and you look wonderful! emoticon

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BARBANNA 1/22/2013 11:10AM

    Congratulations to such fantastic success! Shopping can be a motivator to continue to maintain or loose extra weight. I hate it too, but I have learned it's one of the best sources of feedback to loose weight. I have a great denial system that let's me go for a long time with extra weight and then one day when I try something on I see just how much weight I have gained.

I just bought some new clothes via internet to avoid going out shopping, so I will need to see some feedback/ emoticon reality as soon as I get them!



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RANDI_JEAN 1/22/2013 10:58AM

    Wow this is awesome! Congrats! emoticon emoticon

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STAY39 1/22/2013 10:40AM

    I love this blog! I am just beginning my journey. I'm also trying to get there by running (jogging) 5ks. i can not wait to be under 200 pounds! Thank you for the inspiration!

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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