Venting for a Do-Over
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
I was doing so well... then my depression resulted in a three day stay in a "crisis recovery center" where I wasn't able to maintain with exercising or even drinking water. The only water they had was heavily chlorinated. They offered extremely sour lemonade or overly sweetened cool aid to drink and that was it. I was at their mercy for food and it wasn't properly portioned or particularly healthy. I just haven't been able to get back on track since... and it's been months. In fact I have gained at least 10 lbs. I hate feeling this way. The cold weather outside doesn't help. I used to enjoy getting out and walking. I am so embarassed to exercise in front of my boyfriend. I've tried getting up early to exercise while he was still in bed and he walks into the living room 5 minutes later! But if I don't get up early he will lay there until 10 or 11 am with me... and I don't even want to lay there, but I know there is no reason to get up, nothing good will come from it. I am so frustrated. I wish I could afford to join a gym.. at least then I could leave the house and go exercise. I applied for financial help at the YMCA and the most they were willing to do was knock off $10 a month. That doesn't help at all. I checked with my local city rec center and it's $2 a day. Sounds cheap enough, but if I go 3 days a week that is $312 a year and approx $26 a month and I'm left with finding a babysitter because they don't have a kids room like the YMCA does. And I'm so tired of being handed heart shaped pieces of chocolate and candy from my kids and boyfriend... I know they mean well, but it doesn't help me any. I can't afford to buy healthy foods, I get $149 a month in food stamps and it's difficult to stretch that for thirty days without including a lot of pasta and cheap unhealthy frozen foods. I have been buying fruits and salad... but it only lasts a week or two at the most, and I can't buy more until the following month. I guess I just feel like the universe is against me.
That being said, I know I need to get in a better frame of mind. I know there are things I can be doing- like politely refusing the chocolate and candy. I need to make exercising a priority somehow... even if that means getting out and walking in the cold. Even if I have to eat foods that don't promote weight loss, I could reduce my portion sizes. I do buy canned veggies and I do make veggie soup and chili with ground turkey because it's healthier and less expensive than hamburger. But I've got to hold myself accountable and I haven't been doing this. I haven't even been looking at the SparkPeople site because it was just a reminder to me that I had failed. I felt like I let down the people that were supporting and encouraging me. I felt ashamed. But I kept the page as my home page because I didn't want to give up... I didn't want to let go and totally lose hope. I have been seriously considering taking something to help with energy and to speed up the weight loss process, but I don't want to damage my heart or any other organs. I just need to get back on track.
I am leaving everything behind me and giving myself a do-over starting now. I am starting today with a goal of drinking 8 glasses of water a day. I will update my weight tracker today and as depressing as it will likely be, I need to recognize the shape I am really in before I can work on improving it. I need a job so bad, and I want a job... but I'm so afraid I'll get one because I have nothing to wear to work. I can't fit into any of the clothes I was wearing a year ago when I lost my job. I still try very hard to get a job, I have one pair of pants that I wear to interviews... but if I was offered a position, I would have to wear the same pants every day until I got my first paycheck and could buy another pair or two. This is not acceptable. I need to loose weight and I WANT to loose weight and be healthier.
I hope that my Spark friends will still be behind me. I really want to be successful this time... no matter how long it takes. Thank goodness for the do-over!