Tuesday, January 22, 2013
It's 12:26: I'm writing this on my lunch break, partially in the hope that I'll distract myself from the lack of actual food. Writing about it's probably not going to help, but ah well, that's my flawless logic at work. I have another of those Angel Delight tasting drinks; same recipe as yesterday, only I don't have the fruit puree and I have put some mango powder in there, which oddly tastes like fish more than anything else. It's a strange combination, but I enjoy it all regardless. There's a little less of it today; I really should start portioning my food properly when I cook it. I know it's hard to OD on plain porridge made with water, but yesterday I was still drinking my 1.5 liters of shake in the evening, whereas today I barely have 600ml and it's not really doing the job. I really don't know what I did different; that's the tricky bit.
Jr had porridge drink this morning, and some fruit. He's having a hot lunch today at school (as he does every day) but I don't know what I'll do for dinner tonight. I have a couple of sweet potatoes left, and plenty of regular potatoes, but I want to leave the sweet ones until tomorrow. Potatoe and...what? I could make gnocchi I guess, and have it with veg and cheese sauce. I've learned to control my portions there, too; 1 tbsp butter, 1 tbsp flour, 1/2 cup of milk and 1oz mature cheese. Oh, and a little mustard, for the flavour; it really brings it out. In an ideal world I'd have snipped chives in there too, but I make do with a little garlic powder. I love the local ethnic food store; it has huge bags of cinnamon, garlic powder and other spices for less than £1 each, and it's all passable quality. So, gnocchi it is, but I need to make sure I clean right up, first.
I hit all my goals yesterday, apart from one (to put away the laundry). I have it all piled up together, though, and cleaning it up tonight shouldn't be too hard. It's one of my priorities, even. I called my energy supplier and discovered I'm actually on the best rate at the moment, not because pre-payment is the cheapest option but because the way I'm living right now means I'm using just £5 of gas per week; many homes are using that every day! So that made me feel really good about myself; I'm happy about that. I also did 1/2 hour on the Wii fit in spite of my knee, and although it wasn't one of my goals I spent about 1/2 an hour gingerly breaking and shovelling ice outside my house, which has had a good impact.
I know you're not really supposed to weigh yourself every day, and due to my existing issues I know I'm at a higher risk of eating disorders to I need to be really careful, but since the Wii fit insists on weighing you daily, I've decided to start doing it every morning, but try my best to disregard the daily results; I know they will waiver. This morning, I weighed myself for instance and the result were something .4. I couldn't remember what the "something" was but I remembered .4. So then I weighed myself again and the result was 94.2 kilo's. So either I've just gained .8 or lost .2 according to my scales. That's a significant difference either way, so I can't trust those little fluctuations too much. As long as the general direction is "down" I'm happy.
I'm walking more, too, but because of the ice I'm not getting so much of a work out. It's annoying though because I have to leave my classes early and take it slow right now because of the ice and my knee, and it means I have to walk around all day in wellie boots which aren't terribly glamourous. Still, I'm thinking about making it a semi-permenant change, until I can afford a bike. I see them quite often in the newspapers for £40-£50 so I guess once I've saved that much (which I can do in a month if I don't use the bus) I'll start looking in the newspapers. If I don't find anything within the second month, that's ok; I can keep saving and buy one of the lower end ones for £90 at the local Halfords, lol. Either way I'll get a bike soon enough, but if I have to carry on paying for the bus fare, it'll get more expensive. That said, I can't afford to miss even more time from school, and I hate showing up all sweaty and stinky. Maybe a compromise? I'll keep getting the bus, and save for the bike as and when I can (it shouldn't be impossible, really) but start using my Monday, Wednesday and Thursday mornings (those when I've got school a bit later) to go walking and jogging? I did that Couch to 5K thing (or rather, started it) but the lack of Ipod inhibited my motivation; I think I'll give it another shot if I can get it to work on my Iphone.
Speaking of school though, I'm starting to get really stressed out with one of my teachers. I know I shouldn't, and I need to learn to deal with it, but one of them has always given me the tough love approach regarding my childcare issues. She figures, I just have to sort it out. But it's not that simple; the college wants me to basically pay for it then they'll reimburse it, which is fine in theory but the only local after-school facility charges monthly. So basically I have to save £124-£155 per month on childcare costs, then get it reimbursed. It's not so bad, I supposed; I can just devote 1/3 of my money to childcare then I have basically a small weekly income and a large monthly income...I don't know. I could work it out, but I have so many other financial things I really need to get under control first, and on my fixed and limited income it's going to take a couple of months, so there's a good chance I won't resolve the childcare issues until March or April...just in time for the end of the year! I don't know...we'll just have to tackle that one later in the year, when we get to it. No point fretting over it right now; I'm not going to resolve it.
So anyways, back to the teacher. It's not a huge deal I suppose, but it bothers me. She has this habit of setting the work in the first 10-15 minutes of the class, and then working on that throughout the rest of the 90 minutes. This means when I come in, I have to catch up. Obviously I don't mind and I do my best to do so, but she always gets so ratty with me for the fact that she has to catch me up, because it disrupts her class. I tend to suffer anxiety issues and panic attacks, and Tuesdays (the only day I have her class) I always sleep badly the night before and suffer anxiety the day of. I'm sure it's partially because of her; there's ALWAYS something. And even if and when I DO sort childcare, it will only be for the afternoons; I'll always be a little late to her class because of the school run, and she's just going to have to learn to live with it. Which means I just have to learn to live with her giving me greif for it. I can't change it. She often says, "what if you were at work? They wouldn't tolerate it, there." No, but they'd be paying me, and with that money I could afford childcare. Dumb old hag.
Anyways, rant over. I'm over it. I actually feel a lot better today; I got up at 7:30 this morning (although I still seemed to end up leaving the house late, though nowhere near AS late) and I'm more cheerful even though both my son and my teacher have been little nightmares today. I'm at college, which is also an improvement; my knee is much better, and I'm not anxious. I'm tearful, but I'm "due" so that's understandable. I turn into a proper lunatic around my time of the month. I'm also late, which is starting to make me nervous. But then, I'm late most months, so there's nothing really to worry about; I just end up getting stressed. The last thing I need right now is an unplanned pregnancy, and although I'm pro-choice, my choice would only be abortion if the baby was going to be born ill, you know? I couldn't stomach an abortion...so no pregnancy right now, please. That said, any of my friends will verify that I tend to freak out about possibly pregnancies pretty much every month while I'm waiting; it's not exactly abnormal for me.
No use fretting on it. There's nothing I can do. So what CAN I do? Well, practical things, for a start...I will set myself three goals for the hour after I get home, and three before the end of the night. Hmm. The first three will be, do Jr's homework with him (he has some over-due) and spend a few minutes sitting, cuddling and chilling with him, with a cup of tea. The second will be to do my Jane Eyre revision; I really do need to get that done ASAP. Seriously. The end of the night ones will be, sort out the clothes in my room, do some Wii Fit, and clean the kitchen. I got it practically spotless the other day, I'm not going to let it devolve again, especially with Mr Neat Freak coming round tomorrow.
Today is a brighter day by far :-)