Tuesday, January 22, 2013
As January advances towards it's end I've come to certain Conclusions about myself and my life.The vacuum of losing Sudhir is huge--and the fact that we literally were joined at the hip and lived in each other's pockets for almost 42 years is mostly maybe the cause.Memories help but these are cold comfort when one feels completely lost and lonely--drifting without a shore in sight on the Sea of Life!!I have also realised that the Pain of my loss will never lessen nor will it ever fade away---so I guess it's a permanent fixture in my heart now.Despite this Time does not stand still and that is why I have taken this new decision.
Getting the Kitchen remodeled has been therapeutic and cathartic---all the unnecessary clutter I'd collected and hoarded has come into the open--and disposing off the stuff I don't actually need is giving me a sense of release.All that Tupperware I was hoarding up for our daughters and grand daughter is now out in the open and I have begun using most of it in the Kitchen.Here I've retained only those of the old lot which is still great to look at and is also useful to boot--while discarding those in not so great shape. Vanita will be carrying the bulk of these Containers home--I no longer require so many Containers to store Snacks in since I snack rarely and 2-3 large Containers are sufficient for me.It was Sudhir who needed the various shapes and sizes to store his stuff----his favourite Indian Sweets,his Chocolates and not to forget his favourite Savouries--topping the list was Potato Wafers/Crisps which really needed a huge Container to hold the big Packets of the stuff he got home!!
This has also encouraged me to clean up the other stuff in the house---and quite a few things are finding themselves out in the Cold--for I've decided to dispose off these too.I have gradually started to think of "Me" instead of "We" and have made a few small changes in the way I think.Today I try to concentrate on making myself as self sufficient as possible--my basic independent nature won't allow me to depend completely on our daughters or our siblings--both his and mine.I have also started to count my Blessings for whatever i have and I'm truly grateful to God for the beautiful Death He granted Sudhir.In time I hope I get a similar one too.I have realised that I was brooding over the Past and dwelling upon it far too much--and the danger of slipping into Depression was constantly hovering over my head.While I still cannot bring myself to perform a regular "Pooja" daily,I have begun reading one of my Holy Books--the Life and Miracles of Swami Gajanan Maharaj of Shegao.I'm also a staunch believer in Swami Samartha of Akkalkot and meditating on these give me a feeling of Peace whenever I'm too upset.I have now decided to try and practice gradual Detachment from Life---getting rid of the "Wants" exposes the "Needs" and Life becomes much simpler.
While I cannot stop the Memories from flooding back I can at least try to enjoy them--and accept them as beautiful Moments from my Past frozen in my mind.I feel guilty when Sayali makes it a point to call me everyday--just to find out how I am--I feel as if I'm an added responsibility she has taken on herself after Sudhir passed away--I want her to live her Life without an added headache--me.I want both our daughters to return to the carefree women they were when their father was alive instead of these oddly mature ones who have taken their place.I once more want to be their Mother not someone they need to look after and feel responsible for.While I know that I cannot turn the clock back I can atleast try to resurrect a little of the strong,confident person I used to be once more.
This is something that I owe to my husband,my daughters and myself---become a responsible and confident Woman once again!!