Lessons Learnt

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

As January advances towards it's end I've come to certain Conclusions about myself and my life.The vacuum of losing Sudhir is huge--and the fact that we literally were joined at the hip and lived in each other's pockets for almost 42 years is mostly maybe the cause.Memories help but these are cold comfort when one feels completely lost and lonely--drifting without a shore in sight on the Sea of Life!!I have also realised that the Pain of my loss will never lessen nor will it ever fade away---so I guess it's a permanent fixture in my heart now.Despite this Time does not stand still and that is why I have taken this new decision.
Getting the Kitchen remodeled has been therapeutic and cathartic---all the unnecessary clutter I'd collected and hoarded has come into the open--and disposing off the stuff I don't actually need is giving me a sense of release.All that Tupperware I was hoarding up for our daughters and grand daughter is now out in the open and I have begun using most of it in the Kitchen.Here I've retained only those of the old lot which is still great to look at and is also useful to boot--while discarding those in not so great shape. Vanita will be carrying the bulk of these Containers home--I no longer require so many Containers to store Snacks in since I snack rarely and 2-3 large Containers are sufficient for me.It was Sudhir who needed the various shapes and sizes to store his stuff----his favourite Indian Sweets,his Chocolates and not to forget his favourite Savouries--topping the list was Potato Wafers/Crisps which really needed a huge Container to hold the big Packets of the stuff he got home!!
This has also encouraged me to clean up the other stuff in the house---and quite a few things are finding themselves out in the Cold--for I've decided to dispose off these too.I have gradually started to think of "Me" instead of "We" and have made a few small changes in the way I think.Today I try to concentrate on making myself as self sufficient as possible--my basic independent nature won't allow me to depend completely on our daughters or our siblings--both his and mine.I have also started to count my Blessings for whatever i have and I'm truly grateful to God for the beautiful Death He granted Sudhir.In time I hope I get a similar one too.I have realised that I was brooding over the Past and dwelling upon it far too much--and the danger of slipping into Depression was constantly hovering over my head.While I still cannot bring myself to perform a regular "Pooja" daily,I have begun reading one of my Holy Books--the Life and Miracles of Swami Gajanan Maharaj of Shegao.I'm also a staunch believer in Swami Samartha of Akkalkot and meditating on these give me a feeling of Peace whenever I'm too upset.I have now decided to try and practice gradual Detachment from Life---getting rid of the "Wants" exposes the "Needs" and Life becomes much simpler.
While I cannot stop the Memories from flooding back I can at least try to enjoy them--and accept them as beautiful Moments from my Past frozen in my mind.I feel guilty when Sayali makes it a point to call me everyday--just to find out how I am--I feel as if I'm an added responsibility she has taken on herself after Sudhir passed away--I want her to live her Life without an added headache--me.I want both our daughters to return to the carefree women they were when their father was alive instead of these oddly mature ones who have taken their place.I once more want to be their Mother not someone they need to look after and feel responsible for.While I know that I cannot turn the clock back I can atleast try to resurrect a little of the strong,confident person I used to be once more.
This is something that I owe to my husband,my daughters and myself---become a responsible and confident Woman once again!!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • BOVEY63
    It sounds to me like you are well on your way to becoming that responsible and confident woman! Your grief is understandable due to the amazing bond you and Sudhir shared.

    Enjoy that new kitchen!
    1853 days ago
    You will get there. It's been over 4 years now forme and yes, the memories and the heartbreak of the loss are still there - some days worse then others - but you are moving in the right direction. Some of the things are are doing are cathartic even though you may not realize it and they are also helping you to be stronger. One day, you will realize how strong you are and so will your daughters. When there has been true love that was very strong, it always stays with you.

    hugs to you, my special friend....you are a remarkable lady

    Mary Anne
    1853 days ago
    What a wonderful thing you are doing for yourself and your daughters. Although I have never been married, I partly understand because my sister and I live in the family house of 80+ years. There are still a lot of memories on walls, and tucked in boxes, and in this kitchen that has never been remodeled with its high back sink and tall cupboards. Gradually rugs and some furniture has changed. Wen I come in from outdoors, I still think of following my grandmother in. She was short and stooped, and paused on every step. She lived here until whe was 82 and I'm so glad she never had to leave! I send you a smile and a hug.
    1854 days ago
    Even the stongest of strong willed people, it takes time to slowly accept and move on. Glad to see you have taken the first step in clearing. As you clear your surroundings, you will ready your heart too and notice God is truly your soulmate. If you are into paranormal stuff, I suggest Sylvia browne's books. You will note her candid writings of her experience about the other side, which is higly sophisticated another world, just as our scriptures say. Anyway, one step at a time. Relieved to note you have started thinking as me versus we. Yes, living in the past or future makes one miss out on the present , which is truly a gift from God.

    Take care my darling Komal. Love ya. emoticon emoticon

    ps: edited just to add this: Can't wait to see your face in the profile picture. emoticon emoticon
    1854 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/22/2013 1:30:51 PM
  • MIRFA71
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    1854 days ago
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  • *MADHU*
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    1854 days ago
  • SAASHA17
    u are strong...and it takes time ...Sayali calls coz she loves u and i dont think ur a headache to them...they are ur kids after all..

    take care
    1854 days ago
    emoticon It takes time, friend. You are getting there.
    Cleaning out unneeded items is helpful.
    1854 days ago
    You have always been a strong and confident woman it takes time to grieve .Sayali cals you because she loves you.I doubt very much she sees you as an added headache but rather as the fascinating woman who is her Mum. I consider myself lucky to call you friend ! hugs,Cheri
    1854 days ago
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