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Moving past disappointments

Monday, January 21, 2013

Sometimes you have to accept disappointment and face it head on. I did pretty good during the holidays for the most part. ...... Well not as good as I should have done. I either gained a lot of muscle or excess body weight. Since I was experiencing pain in my knee and foot and only strength trained 5 days in the month of December. I am positive it was from not following my plan to the letter. My last weigh in said 259. WTH! Well this is what happens. How do I handle this little dilemma.
This could not have come at a worse time. I did walk a lot,but evidently not enough. My portions were too big and late night eating was not being controlled as well as it should have. I was starting a new job that I was going to have to fit working out in there some where. This is all a part of the living and adjusting to a healthy life style. You have to live everyday life and continue to stay the path . I was dealing with pain and not as aggressive in my exercise pursuits.I am only human,right,or am I something more.

There are a lot of things going on,but that is all a part of everyday life. I had to make adjustments. My wife decided we had to get a gym membership. I was going to join another gym. I have a lot equipment,but there are other machines that I wanted to use. We got our membership and I was trying to not be intimidated. I mean I tell others to not be ,but I was going to a place where I was a beast. I was young,muscular and walked around that gym like I owned it. That was almost 20 years ago. Now I am an aging,middle-aged out of shape man. So I had fear in me. I am not as strong,as athletic. I went on bodybuilder.com to find a work program for a man my age with what I want to accomplish. The workout looked brutal. Can I do it?
I felt like a hypocrite. I get so many praises for my work ethic,was I doing enough to earn it. I did workout but I was physically not as able as I was before the holidays. My sparkfriends feeds were losing 2 pounds,losing 3 pounds. Mine stayed the same. I am the type of person who can be genuinely happy for others. I was happy to encourage others.
I decided that enough is enough. I started my new job and It is a big college and I do a lot of walking. I went back to the track.I could not run but I added an extra mile to my walk. I went back to strength training with a vengeance. I weighed myself last Sunday and it said 252. I was a pound away from my needle. I was happy. Now...........................
Today I spoke to my alter ego, the Midnighter. Don't laugh,he is driven more than LaVell is. He knows what he wants. We were going to the gym today,damn the youngsters,damn the muscleheads,damn them all,because he is the Midnighter and it will be D-O-N-E.
Well it got done. The muscle heads did not exist for me. I strolled around the gym like it was mine. I rode the bike,went into the weight room and ended with another session of cardio.
I looked into the big mirror and I was covered in sweat,knees wrapped by blue braces. He ( The Midnighter) spoke to me. He said,"Stop being afraid.You can do this. You are not here for anyone except yourself." I saw myself smiling.
2013 is a new start for me. I have lost 7 pounds,but it will not be on my scale.But I take away that I lost weight. I am not on a plateau. Did I celebrate it,I sure did. I won't quit. I refuse to.The Midnighter refuses to. It is funny to think of it that way.
So I am human after all,but with one small exception. I refuse to wallow in it. I won't revisit it. Moving on.

One last thing. I am a man who does not have many heroes. I am a great admirer of Dr. Martin luther King Jr. I think he is a man who's vision transcended just African- Americans. It was for equality of all people. A man who used conviction and was passionate in his pursuits. Can any one of us say the same. Let today be a day of peace,love and equality for all people.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I am starting fresh in 2013 as well. So glad you got into that gym and owned it! Keep up the fabulous work. You have the strength and determination it takes... you will reach your goals in no time.
    1853 days ago
    Give yourself credit LaVell for all the lives that you have touched here on Spark. You changed my life with your responses to my blogs. Go back and read some of your old blogs that you shared soak in the comments you received. It will feel different now looking back - allow yourself to be proud of what you have accomplished. SparkPeople gives us the opportunity to reap what we sow. Take it all in - and feel the entirety of the affirmation and peace in knowing your importance here and to your friends and family. I know you will succeed, I have not one doubt.

    If you ever need a reality check, I want to share something a SparkFriend recently commented aimed directly at me: "Be as decent to yourself as you are to others and stop sabotaging your wonderful success." Sounds like something you would say to me doesn't it? Well I am tracking my food intake daily, resumed regular psych meds and out of the darkness that was the last six weeks. I am comfortable in this moment, in this gift of today - and am a better person for knowing you.

    All the best, Your friend - "Sprink"

    1854 days ago
  • LUNA0000
    "you are not here for anyone but yourself" is powerful and meaningful in so many ways... I love that

    You go midnight cowboy... (that's how I think of you)
    1854 days ago
    I feel ya....December was a thorn in my side as well. Hell, so was most of January. But I'm still at it and I didn't damage myself as I thought I had. I, too, try to own my gym. Most days I succeed....some days I let the intimidation in and those days are not my friend. But, there is always the next day and the one after that. The war will be won, one battle at a time!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1873 days ago
    I appreciate your honesty...even the midnighter is human. You're still doing great Levell. You're not stopping. You're not giving up, you just hit a bump in the road. I commend you for getting it back together in such a timely fashion.
    My friend, you and I have both had a time in our lives where we walked through the gym as if we owned it. I know the feeling. You know the equipment, the other gymrats, you have a great routine. So, you must know that those muscle heads are not judging you. I believe many of them are so caught up in themselves and what they are trying to accomplish that you are just another guy in the weight room. And to the others that do take notice, I'm sure they think it's great that you are there and working so hard! I do too!
    1883 days ago
  • DIANER2014
    Love your blog! You are doing awesome! Keep moving forward! Your alter ego is awesome too! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1885 days ago
    i LOVE your alter ego idea... I think I am going to mediate on this and find my alter ego too. The Midnighter and you are doing awesome, remember this journey is a "process". You are in the process of moving forward.


    Never give up!
    1886 days ago
    Happy to hear you're moving forward in 2013 in spite of all the problems. I agree with you about Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1886 days ago
    Oh, do I get the "life happens" stuff! I'm so proud of you for getting to the gym. I keep chickening out about even joining! So big CONGRATS!
    1887 days ago
    Yep, life happens and you have to find a way to adjust to it. I'm still floundering around with my weight since we moved here 7 years ago! I've had lots of ups and a few downs. I'm still pushing although it seems like I'm pushing against a brick wall followed by a cement wall. I'm tracking my food better now than I have in a very long time. I'm pushing myself to the limit and beyond every time I lift weights or walk at home. My ankles are swollen and hurting but I'm not letting it stop me. I will get this weight off eventually and you will adjust to your new lifestyle eventually. Those whom are the most determined will eventually succeed and I know neither of us are going to let anything stop us!

    Good for you for facing your fears head on and good for you for not letting your disappointment get the better of you.

    I also agree that Martin Luther King's vision was about all men (and women ;-) ) being equal.
    1887 days ago
  • LINDAK25
    I tell myself I must not seek perfection, just persistence. You've got that. I still don't have the courage to go to a gym. Of course, I'm afraid of germs, well that, and leaving the house, and not knowing what to do and actually having to ask someone. It's a long list. I'm not there yet. But congratulations to you--YOU WENT TO THE GYM! Fantastic.

    Oh, and yes Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. was a great man.
    1887 days ago
    Remember you can't compare others highlights to your everyday! While they may be losing weight, you are still working towards a heavy lifestyle. Your baseline is much higher than what you started at.

    Even though you didn't do what you wanted you still did something. You always are telling us to not beat ourselves up too much. Take it, learn from it, and apply it.

    You know that the number on the scale is just a number and has little meaning in the grand scheme of things. Pick your head up, you will do this!
    1887 days ago
    exellent! I am glad you didn't give up. you are a constant inpration. *hugs*
    1887 days ago
    Just keep moving forward! Do not look back. All that is back there is pain, diabetes, fattening foods and death. Looking ahead is so much better. You have a healthier you, determination, ambition, a better attitude and a better you and a longer life span!

    I am proud of you! You pushing you makes me push harder! Thanks! emoticon
    1887 days ago
  • PURPLE180
    Well said and emoticon . ((HIGH FIVE))
    1887 days ago
    I think once you adjust to this having a job, you will be right back on track. Life happens as you know.

    When I first started exercising, I didn't go to the gym. i walked hills and went on hikes. But I knew I would never do that when it was cold so I signed up. It was intimidating at first. My shirt would always ride up and my stomach would be exposed until I decided to tuck it in. I can see my self on the elliptical and my stomach is bouncing (my most hated body part) and I finally had to say who cares. The worst part was lifting the weights because I didn't know how to use all of them and it's almost all men over there all the time. My gym is very expensive and so half the high school is a member. Talk about intimidating. I know how cruel high school boys can be. I just decided I didn't give a s*it. Some day they too will be old and trying to lose weight.

    The kicker for me was seeing that old guy on the treadmill with his oxygen pack. There was absolutely nothing glamorous about this guy. His hair was all crazy, he was wearing old-fashioned sweats with black socks and white sneakers. He looked so frail but he was there. I promised myself never to feel sorry for myself again at the gym because this guy had no shame. He is my example. I know you will do this and again see success.

    1887 days ago
    At least you did not face a Cross Dresser (not judging anyone) at the gym (read my e-mail) lol- You are doing awesome - one of my Spark buddies was on a plateau for three years! Can you imagine ! I cannot it would drive me crazy ! You are Human with a twist ! I have said this before its not a race - look at all you have accomplished in the past year! We all have set backs , the important thing is that you recognize your errors and are correcting them , sometimes life gets in the way. Its happening to me right now! I have been fluctuating - I put the scale away for a while. Getting over that fear of the gym is a major NSV (non scale victory) . I know that you will have continued success as you still motivate all of us emoticon - Dragons Rule ! LiL Racer emoticon
    1887 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/21/2013 8:29:32 PM
    Good Luck!
    1887 days ago
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