Monday, January 21, 2013
I am having an extremely hard time with this Love/hate relationship that I have with food. It almost seems like i am lost in this battle to find middle ground where both my mind and my body agree. I am learning that i kind of like cooking and making new recipes. That would be great if i was cooking healthy all the time. Trust me , I can take a recipe that is meant to be healthy and start adding more products to it (using pork sausage instead of turkey sausage) , adding more shrimp to it then is called for , and eat three times the amount that the serving size says it should be. But in my mind, I tend to call that eating healthy even though what started out as being that way , I have now changed it to something extremely bad for you. I have been really trying to use the food tracker and make sure that I am doing it right. I bought a scale. I want to do this right. It just seems so hard. When i get the calories right , then the fat content is off , or the carbs are too low. My nutrition plan seems like a rubics cube that no matter how much i look at it , or switch it around , it seems i will never have all six sides the same color.
Don't get me wrong. I am still trying to eat healthy. I am cooking meals at home. I take my lunch to work. I have more veggies on my plate then meat or starches. I am taking fruits with me to snack on. But I come home from work and feel like i have no control over what i eat when i get here. It is like i am set free to eat what ever i want when i walk in the door.
I really do wish i had someone to do this with. That could walk with me each day and help me. I hate feeling lost. I hate feeling like i am losing the battle. I hate this cycle of getting on board, working hard for a bit, seeing myself start falling and knowing what always come next. I hate being at the point of tears and knowing that this is something I have to work past , but not knowing if I have the strength to do it. I hate knowing that i have to love myself enough to fight for me because i tend to hate myself for what i have let myself become.