Hitting the Bottom
Monday, January 21, 2013
Well, it's been about 6 (ish) months since I have been on Spark People or put much thought into losing weight. Reading my last blog entry from the day before I started summer classes is kind of depressing, because I was making some nice progress up to that point, and then everything went to crap once school started again. Alas, here I am starting up my spring semester, and the story hasn't much changed. I'm just too busy to dedicate much effort to losing weight, and it sucks.
I'm getting fat. I haven't weighed this much in about four years. I don't actually know how much I weight right now, and I really don't want to know. But my pants aren't fitting, and I had to update my formal wardrobe with a pants size up from where I already was (which was already too big). Two years ago, I was wearing a size 8, which was awesome. It's where I wanted to be (or close). Now I'm squeezing in to a size 13 and I hate it. I haven't worn a pants size this big since I was fat in high school.
I think I'll take a moment to complain about my self-image problems here, since it's the only place where nobody I know will read about it.
Being fat comes with so many problems. For one, nobody talks to me. I mean, I go to a school full of rich white kids without any real problems in their lives, so I didn't have much to work with in the first place, but now that I'm a "fat girl" I really have nobody to talk to. Additionally, my self-confidence has hit an all-time low these days. I can't even get up the nerve to make a joke with guys I don't really know any more. This is so bad. I used to be so confident with people. So funny. So.... liked. It's like when I gained 45 pounds I completely changed into something people don't want to interact with anymore. That's not even the worst part, either. It's the bitchy girls around this place who constantly look at me like I'm gross because I'm overweight. It's ridiculous. This is an adult institution, not a freaking high school, but I feel like the judgment is neverending.
I just hate where I have come so much. I can hardly even let my boyfriend touch me anymore because I'm disgusted with my body. I have a hard time dressing up for events because I never look good enough. My ass has gotten too big, my thighs are disgusting to look at, and for the first time in years I have a jiggly tummy. It makes me sick every day to have to look in the mirror, and I just don't have any motivation to change it. I feel stuck. I'm doing so many other things in life right now- losing weight has been shoved to the bottom of the priority list.
I just wish it hadn't gotten to this point...