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Sunday, January 20, 2013

Well, today hasn't been great. Actually, I think it started before today. I had a girls' night out on Friday night. Kansas City is having its local Restaurant Week and I made the choice to go out despite being in the beginning phase of the South Beach Diet. I'd been doing really well eating on the plan and had lost 10 pounds in the first 9 days! For our girls' night, we chose to go to Fogo de Chao, a Brazilian style steak house with a beautiful salad bar (great start, easy to stay on plan there) and then all the roasted meat you want served on spit at your table. The cuts of meat were mostly sirloin, which is on the diet as long as you don't go too crazy with portion. Well, I can't say that I limited it as much as I should have, but everyone gets a splurge now and then, right? Of course, restaurant week also includes dessert with your meal, and while I didn't eat the whole thing, I did order the flan and and ate about half of it. I go back and forth between being proud of myself for doing as well as I did and disappointment in myself for going off as much as I did. This is my pattern - all or nothing thinking leads me to go off a little, get down on myself and then go off big time. On the Atkins low carb program, this was a major issue - I was eating too much saturated fat to splurge on the carbs and knock myself out of ketosis. That's one of the reasons I chose to do South Beach this time - it's much more flexible and forgiving. But splurging before my first two week were completed may have been a problem.

So yesterday I was pretty focused in getting back on track hard core. We went to the gym, I ate strictly on plan but I also had my partner around for accountability. Today I was on my own and I'm not known for stellar will power and keeping myself on track. I went to church and did great only having a salad at the luncheon meeting afterwards (they were also serving rolls, quiche and cookies) but then I went to Costco and was faced with temptations galore. I know myself well enough to know that sugar is my downfall, especially in the form of chocolate. When I smelled the pies baking yesterday I had to buy some nuts just to give my stomach something else to eat and hold the cravings at bay, but today I couldn't do it.

I bought some chocolate almond bark thins. As candy goes, it's not the worst thing to have, but it's definitely not on my diet - no sugar is supposed to be the norm and giving in to that is only going to set me back. I don't know if the flan on Friday night is partially to blame but I couldn't seem to not get anything. I think in the old days I could have and probably would have eaten the whole bag over the course of the day. I've eaten about a third of the bag (3-4 servings worth) and honestly feel too full to eat anymore. I even made sure to log it in my nutrition tracker (this is the most honest I've been on tracking what I eat) and I'm surprised that it didn't blow things more than it did. I just don't really know what to do now. I can't bring myself to get rid of the rest of the bag, even though I know I should. I can't throw food away - it's just not in me. But if I have it around the house, how long can I hold off on the next craving? I can't hide it from myself - and i can't hide from myself as much as I want to.

I'm supposed to move on to phase 2 of SBD this week, bringing in one serving of whole grains and fruit each day, but I think this set back means I should do at least another week of phase one to clear out my system of the sugar and reset my body again. I can't trust myself with any sugar, which is, I believe, a common problem for many people like me. I crave it and can binge on it in ways that are shameful and literally killing me. It's hard to imagine a life without it but I believe it's the only way. My goal right now is to not let this end the progress I've been making. I probably didn't gain back the 10 lbs I lost that first week and a half, even if I'm not losing anything for the next few days. I can't - I won't - let this be the end of my new life.
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