Yesterday I played with a friend's two year old daughter, and she took a photo of me holding her. My head was huge. I had multiple chins. My arm was fat and white. It made me realize that I need to take a step back, look at things objectively, and make some decisions based on intellect, not on emotion. Because that's all I've been, lately, is emotional. 3 months ago delivering a stillborn baby, then I got pregnant again, but it turns out this pregnancy is not viable. So I have been sitting around, waiting to miscarry. I have felt stalled - like I can't even move until it happens, either having a baby or having a miscarriage. I've spent multiple days mostly in bed. I've been getting angrier lately, choosing things that I know are unhealthy for me - to punish myself? punish this body that can't produce a baby for me? to make myself fat and unattractive so my husband won't want me and I don't have the option of being hurt again?

I found a picture of myself from a few years ago - I was on a Bahamas cruise for work, and I am standing, proud, hand on hips in a halter top and shorts - and i am skinny and tan and it's the product of WORK. I WORKED to get there. I lost 50 pounds. I weighed 201 pounds and got down to 153. Then, in 2.5 years, I am now 217 pounds. I intend to get back to 150.

That's 67 pounds.

I have hereby decided that I will spend the next 30 days on a 'love myself' challenge - leading up to valentines weekend. This means for the next 30 days, I will invest at least 20 minutes of exercise and drink 8 glasses of water. Each minute I spend exercising is about loving myself - not having to cover up the hurt and pain. Each drink of water will be about nurturing what I need to take care of inside of me.

I want to see:
less belly fat
non-wobbly arms
lower number on the scale
better skin
higher sex drive
happier husband
space between neck and chin
smaller boobs
smaller face
more energy
progress and success in something

in 30 days, I think I can go from 217 pounds to 212 pounds. One small goal at a time.