Sunday, January 20, 2013
Yesterday I played with a friend's two year old daughter, and she took a photo of me holding her. My head was huge. I had multiple chins. My arm was fat and white. It made me realize that I need to take a step back, look at things objectively, and make some decisions based on intellect, not on emotion. Because that's all I've been, lately, is emotional. 3 months ago delivering a stillborn baby, then I got pregnant again, but it turns out this pregnancy is not viable. So I have been sitting around, waiting to miscarry. I have felt stalled - like I can't even move until it happens, either having a baby or having a miscarriage. I've spent multiple days mostly in bed. I've been getting angrier lately, choosing things that I know are unhealthy for me - to punish myself? punish this body that can't produce a baby for me? to make myself fat and unattractive so my husband won't want me and I don't have the option of being hurt again?
I found a picture of myself from a few years ago - I was on a Bahamas cruise for work, and I am standing, proud, hand on hips in a halter top and shorts - and i am skinny and tan and it's the product of WORK. I WORKED to get there. I lost 50 pounds. I weighed 201 pounds and got down to 153. Then, in 2.5 years, I am now 217 pounds. I intend to get back to 150.
That's 67 pounds.
I have hereby decided that I will spend the next 30 days on a 'love myself' challenge - leading up to valentines weekend. This means for the next 30 days, I will invest at least 20 minutes of exercise and drink 8 glasses of water. Each minute I spend exercising is about loving myself - not having to cover up the hurt and pain. Each drink of water will be about nurturing what I need to take care of inside of me.
I want to see:
less belly fat
lower number on the scale
higher sex drive
space between neck and chin
progress and success in something
in 30 days, I think I can go from 217 pounds to 212 pounds. One small goal at a time.