Sunday, January 20, 2013
I have a terrible confession to make. I'm currently caught in a severe sugar addiction. It all began a couple weeks ago when I had a sweet tooth for chocolate and had nothing in the house. It was too cold to venture out on my own to get my "fix" and I was too embarrassed to send my husband out for my typical bag of M&Ms or ice cream. So I looked in the pantry to see what I had. I ended up mixing sugar, butter, cream, cocoa, and peanut together for some microwave fudge. I ate it in a bowl, while it was still soft and soup-like, with a spoon. I woke up the next morning with a bad hangover and great deal of guilt and shame. But it wasn't long before I was craving that stuff again. Over time, my recipe evolved into a heavenly concoction made on the stove top. So buttery and creamy, chocolatey and with that amazing peanut butter flavor and texture. Oh my... so, so, so good. One day I even emptied a box of Andies Mints into it instead of peanut butter. I've experimented with different ingredients and amounts. I've created a MONSTER!!!
I've not been able to stop. It's only gotten worse. After days of indulging like that, I felt some relief when I had depleted my stock of sugar. But not even a full 24 hours later I found myself at Dollar General (in my pajamas, no less) buying some more sugar. And then yesterday I was determined to make it through the day without cooking my stuff (it literally feels like I'm cooking methamphetamine!!!), so I dumped what was left of the sugar into the trash can. Then several hours later I was scooping the sugar out of the trash can with a measuring cup and cooking my drug on the stove YET again!
This is bad. This is really bad. I have 28 days until my birthday and I'm sabotaging myself with this horrible mix of cheap, destructive ingredients like a crack addict. I'm already feeling myself gaining weight back. I'm too scared to step on the scale. I'm bloated and feel poisonous. All of this sugar and butter I've been eating... oh what kind of mess have I gotten myself into?!! This is far worse than any sugar addiction I have ever experienced. I'm usually a savory type of person- wanting to binge on savory foods. But for some reason this thing that I've created- this stove-top fudgy soup that I've been eating with a spoon daily (sometimes more than once daily) has a grasp on me that I can't seem to break free of.
I really need some help to get over this.
28 days; 4 weeks. I want so desperately to beat this and feel great on my birthday.