I went to the doctor last year for a check-up (and I think I have a particularly great doc). He asked me about my diet and I told him I feel like there is a demon inside me making me eat. I reworded the statement pretty quickly, because I realize it sounded crazy. And still does. He nodded, but the look on his face lead me to believe he really didn't understand.
See, I do feel like there is something inside of me. I call it a "switch" mostly, because that sounds less crazy. This switch moves on and off. When the switch is off, I eat properly, I don't let food run my day, I think about my future health, exercise, etc. But it's when the switch turns ON, I am not myself.
It can happen at any time, and the closer I get to my goal weight (I'm down 98.2 lbs with about 19.2 lbs to go), the more I fear it. One morning I wake up, and I just eat. And eat. Not like 10,000 calories at a time eat, but maybe 2 or 3,000 a couple of times a day. And when my pants tighten up, I say, "Tomorrow will be different," but I wake up and it's the same. I feel the compulsive desire to eat, which overpowers my guilt and desire to look "normal" and feel healthy. And a lot of the time, I do it right after a full, healthy meal.
I can remember some of my binges:
(a) Nutella - grab a spoon and scoop it out. Dip the spoon in the peanut butter too.
(b) Rice cakes with peanut butter on them - then scoop pudding on top of that and eat it.
(c) Buy two candy bars - eat them both before I get home (Heath).
(d) Eat Mexican. Over a basket of chips, the entire fajita plate, a jumbo margarita, then maybe another one.
(e) Five pieces of toast for a "snack."
(f) Bought boston creams one day to share with a friend. I ate three of them, then ate my jumbo streusel muffin I had bought, but left in the car.
(g) Used a gift card at Cheesecake factory and bought five pieces of cheesecake. Ate two one evening and a third for breakfast (think 1100 calories a piece).
(h) Bake cookies, eat 20 in a day. Bake cake, eat three pieces or more in a day.
(i) Granola bar, peanut butter, honey, raisins to the tune of about 700 calories.
(j) Grab pretzel sticks and dip them in peanut butter. LOTS of peanut butter.
(k) Eat the chocolate melting wafers I use for baking straight out of the bag by the handfuls.
Anyway, these are not normal eating behaviors. I fear this demon will grab ahold of me every day. I've got a pretty decent handle right now, but it will be back. I know I'm a compulsive overeater with bouts of control.
I need help. And when I get to my goal weight, WHEN I do, I hope the desire to be healthy stuffs the demon away. If not, I'll be in big trouble.
Thank you to all my spark, mfp, and personal friends that harass me, motivate me, support me, and knock food out of my hands. Sometimes I can't control myself and I need an intervention.
I know I'm not the only one like this. And that is comforting.
Edit: After I wrote this, I looked up compulsive eating. This is me to a T: