Sunday, January 20, 2013
How can one feel so hopeless and optimistic at the same time? I just feel so down on myself; how could I have let myself get this big? Practically none of my clothes fit; I had to go to the store and buy size 20 jeans yesterday for a night out with my friend. We went to a bar, and I felt so extremely uncomfortable. Worse than that, I felt invisible. No one looked at me, no one talked to me except my friend. I have a boyfriend, but as selfish as it sounds, I want to know what it feels like to go to a bar and actually get some male attention. Seeing that in writing looks horrible, but it's how I feel. It would just solidify in my mind that I am an attractive person. I know I'm a good person, and people say I have a pretty face, I guess I've just never believed it. I've always focused more on my inside than on my outside. So it's embarrassing to admit to myself that I feel that I need outside justification.
On the other hand, I also feel very optimistic that I can become a healthy, fit person. I've made big changes in the past, like quitting smoking (even though I have started again, I KNOW I have the know-how and willpower to quit again). I can visualize the person I want to become very clearly. I have the tools.....I just have to get past whatever mental block I have right now in order to start becoming that person!! I'm not sure what's going on....I just know it has a lot to do with stress and denial and unhappiness. And maybe hormones lol. And possibly the fact that I'm exhausted a fair amount of the time. And.....all these are a giant pile of excuses, I know. Who knew how hard it would be to climb over that pile!!
Sometimes I talk myself out of being healthy. Why is it so hard to talk oneself INTO being healthy? Is my brain really that hardwired to sit on my butt and shove junk food into my mouth?? Ugh!!
I'm such a mix of frustration and hopefulness right now....very confusing and tiring. Sigh.