I have been in this position many times in the past. Where I have some huge goal set for myself and suddenly, I hit a wall, burn out, and start down a completely self-undermining (and sometimes self-destructive) path instead of going for the goal.
What's up with that? This is the scariest part of the cycle of motivation:
1. Phase one - active rebellion.
2. Phase two - patiently waiting for motivation to kick in.
3. Phase three, highly motivated, actively working.
4. Phase four, success and flying high, living easy and loving it.
5. Phase five, burnout starting, but still on auto pilot.
6. and something snaps, and it's back into phase one.
The trick of the cycle is to make phase one last as short a time as possible and relax into making phase two be a calm and hopeful time, rather than a self-flaggulating time of punishment/blame talk at oneself.
Another trick of the cycle is to short circuit from phase five back to phase four, by proper "gentle" self-care, and addressing whatever fears and anxieties, illnesses, or injuries, doubts or desires are driving the burnout.
I'm somewhere in phase 5 or 1... I start climbing back from 1 to 5, but then drift back to 1... and I'm trying to figure out whether I need to let go of a goal (I only have one right now), or whether I can do something that still leaves that goal in the realm of possibility without throwing myself completely off the cliff of phase one!
The problem with public goals is that it makes for a very public failure... and it's almost as though I'm trying to derail myself so I have an excuse for that failure... and I really, really don't want to go there. Sometimes success is at the bottom of giving myself permission to fail.
Just some thoughts I'm pondering as I'm frustrated with waiting for son's return and only getting through part of each day "on track" (he didn't get any further on the journey yesterday at all). Now I'm going to shut up, and try to spark a better day.
Because no matter what phase I'm in, whether I can see it in the moment or not... life is good, and worth living WELL.